i got a few msges about what I've last logged. it's amazing that theres so many people that still read my blog, its unexpected.

the question, why can't i b myself in my own blog?

i guess i have to say, time passes by, when everyone expected me to be different. i can't put my real feeling out there, coz trust me, theres no one that likes the real me. from my past relationship and friends around, i guess sometimes, people are with u jus because they want to b with u, happy. i knew deep down, the truth is, i'm a very emotional creature, that i felt, one day, i might find someone somewhere to accept me of who i am. well, i thought i found, until, yea it proves me wrong.

life has been treating me real nice. i have friends around me, that loves me enough to be with me, to cry and laugh together. although, its not the same as having certain someone special in the heart, i guess its enough for now. career has been progressing, like how i wanted it to be, so its nice. i guess u can't have everything perfect, and yes as i would always say "perfect will be boring".

though undeniable, there are certain sometimes that i'm perfectly fine, and certain sometime that i felt, being alone sucks. i can't deny that i still misses that certain someone, for certain some reason. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore, coz its over.

i don't find a reason to blog now. its jus gonna be me ranting over and over again, about something maybe u guys know o maybe not know. i shall find my mood back to write more.

life is always not perfect. i guess for me, its true that we should focus more on what we have now, instead of what we had before.

ever remember wishing that you will have everything under ur control and stuff that u wished to buy on the pay day of the 20th month of savings? like today, i was out for a round of movie with my colleague, i looked at them, and i realize, how simple life can be.

i found out, i can't blog anymore, coz i guess i can't even be myself here.

i guess its been a while ever since I blogged. every time when i wanted to write something here, i always find some reason to t write. i guess i didn't want to change the happy mode in this blog.

its new year today, i spent the whole night thinking which is the best new year celebration. i remembered pretty well, the day we hugged and watched the fireworks in his balcony, whispering happy new year with a sweet long kiss. simple, and nice.

a tear slipped my eyes, remembering the feelings and sensation that I've missed so much. ¥es, i'm okay without him in my life now, i guess you can say that i'm over him. yet, deep down, i cried every time i thunked of him. he did not return any of my text, and he wouldn't know, how much I've missed him. its been a year, and he made it clear he didn't want me to be in his life.

is this love? i have known love to be pure, simple and nice. its supposed to make everyone happy, not miserable or something that makes someone unhappy. when i asked anyone that are in love, they told me, when you have found the one, its easy, why is this so hard for me? why is this so hard for us? people says good things will happen in good people. i guess i'm really a bad one. its never easy for me to love, and it never easy for me to be with the one i loved.

i didn't want to say it out loud, because i didn't want to be sympathized by anyone, and yes because i didn't want my best friend to know, i'm still sad.

when i opened my eyes today, i saw him, still sleeping, a twitch of happiness hit me, and i smiled. its been a while since i have this feeling, i felt, blissful, its feels great being with him minus the arguements, its been a while, but we made it thru. i'm very happy, he makes me happy... ahhhh i am happy

As I walked around the shopping mall yesterday with a couple of my gf, shopping around, talking and giggling suddenly I saw someone across the center court. Yes its him, standing there with his friend doing the same as me. I thought I would run away and hide. It was the first time I saw him since 'it' and I thought I would jus hide away from him. To my surprise, I continued to walk with my gf, nod to him and smile. I finally knew that v both have finally let go, and yes, there's only one person in my mind. and I smiled.

Lately I've been feeling weird. I act weird.

Weird in a way that I couldn't describe. Bad weird? I dun think so, weird in a way that I felt I fell again.

I couldn't think straight again, with my emotion conquer my every single move, I felt I'm weak again. To fall for my emotional heart instead of my brain. Why must I be this bitch when I'm being totally rational few month back. I was rational before.... Sigh! Why must I ruin my own life wherever I fall in love? O am I jus playin a fool with my heart? Messing my own mind?

I know I should be rational, be the person I am before. To think, act and talk as an adult. To stop thinkin about ppl ruining my life and me ended up ruining it.

I knew my life will b messed up if I persist being like this, no people would stand my behaviour, my idiot emotional me.

I knew I need to speak wats in my mind, taking rationale to it, but I also knew no one would understand me.

Maybe I have communication problem where I couldn't express myself enough during verbal conversation.

As much as I hope, I knew there's no one out there to understand me, to feel wat I felt, to see what I've seen.

The only thing that someone know is that I showed temper n being childish.

Who am I? Where am I? Mayling is not the same again....

my friend asked me, why choose a person that are not in my world? i told them, i loves him

his friend asked him, why choose a person that are not in his world?he told them, he had chosen.

we used to be the perfect ones, the lovey dovey couple that goes everywhere together, have the perfect understanding of each other, respect each other and had our own space. things is so simple and easy with each other, that both of us, took granted at each other but cherish each other in our way that nobody could understand. people besides us would always question us, on how we are, on how we cope on each other, on how we match so perfectly that he does things that no one could expect him to, and me to actually match it so well.

everyone thinks, that i'm the childish ones that been spoilt by him, the one that takes on hold in the relationship, yet inside, we have our mutual agreement that we are who we are, that it doesnt matter who do what, as long as we believed in who we are, that we loves each other, nothing seem to matter.

i think i shouldnt use the words used to, we still are, we grew stronger each day. sometimes it makes me think, never would i thought that we would fit so perfectly with each other, o shall i say, never would i thought that someone would actually fit me so fine that i actually believed, we are a soul. things never been planned, yet everything seems to sail so smoothly, that we cherish each other no matter what everyone said around us.

i am thankful that im destined to b with someone, that fit me so perfectly, maybe, just maybe, its time, to b more than who we are.

Its been a while since i am free, thinking of me and what changes around me. i read the past entry, one blog that makes me cry, and makes me wonder, what if it doesnt go the way it is?

what if, he decided not to leave the bank.. would we still be best frds?

what if, we put a lil more effort... would we still be that close?

what if, i did not introduce someone to him... would we still cherish each other?

i missed the time when we are together, when we can call each other up to talk, and bitch on whatever it is, someone that knows me inside out, my weakness and strength... for now, when i needed someone to talk, i could not find anyone, that i could just pour my heart out, to tell what i'm really feeling, i guess... thats because, we aren't true friend enough.

theres alot of friends that come and go, i thought we had more than that, we stood each other up when things are not right. thru the things that we been thru, never cross my mind that, we now are stranger. having awkward conversation. guess, thats just life, people that touched ur heart, can leave footprint to ur heart, just like people that hurt u, leave scars... its all memory that remained.

after one tired day of work, i finally knocked off, met my guy, started to head for some happy hour. a few drinks after, continued to another place later. and i finally sat down, i feel good about it, i felt good when my guy is by my side, hugging me and i felt a strong sense of security. he was good to me, he cares for me, he is even sensitive enough, to actually move and act exactly what i wanted. after a tired night out, either him taking care of me, or me taking care of him, we both slept, and never failed to hold each other hand while sleeping. i remembered, to wake up, with a light kiss, and i saw a huge grin across his face when i opened my eyes, i thought myself, i wanted to wake up everyday like that, 'coz it plaster a smile on my face, and i'm happy. i never thought i would be this happy, like to laugh from my heart and jump out from bed just to hug him. petty petty stuff, makes me happy, i never felt so wanted, and loved by someone, and i could be myself, no pretending at all, and from time to time, i thought, i finally found someone, that truly care and love who i am.

yes he is, the man ive been waiting for. each time, i failed to see his imperfection, its because, of his every moves, seems so perfect to me, i even caught myself daydreaming of jus leaning myself on him. he seemed to have the power, or something to just take all my burden away, all the sadness just melt away, with him, i dont need to make decision, i dont need to pretend something im not, and ahhh.. i cant write more to show how comfy i am with him. i know i did not talk much about him, he makes my life shine again, everything with him is always great and i loves him for it. -the end- i really miss him....

i have beenhaving this entry for the longest time that i did not have the time to post it out, the new year resolution thingy... hmmm.. ok , lets review my 2009 resolution :

1) Try to get out from BTMU - done

2) Try to find someone to spend special occassion with - kinda done

3) Try to stay away from my BFF this year a.k.a tears - also kinda done, tears for different reason now.....

4) Try not to let someone to affect my emotion - different someone now

5) Try to go on DIEt! - fail! i need to get it done this year

6) Try to laugh more... from the heart - D O N E ... i have someone that makes me laugh, and cry of course, nothing is perfect, but for me, he is.

7) Try not to strangle the princess when facing its fake-ness - not facing them anymore! and done! did not strangle any of them.. hehe

8) Try to be professional while dealing with "those" - DONE, deal professionally!

9) Try to change my car! - changed in 2009 June

10) Try to exercise more! - joined fitness first, try to go there twice to thrice a week.. now im further than i used to be

11) Try to sleep more..... - slept at 10, woke up at 6am everyday now.. well, almost 10...

12) Try to not to stress myself that much - new stress.. good stress though

13) Try to finish the book titled Currency Wars - finished, but not helpful.. hmm...

14) Try to get another A to join the 3-A partner - hmm.. yea.. i've got an A co-incidentally...

15) Try to be friend with colleague while stuck there - not stucked there anymore... =) but i did be friends to them, even till now!!

16) Try to be more friendly and make more friend - hmm.. i did i think... more people treats me as friends.....

17) Try to be more humble work wise - oh yea.. need to do that this year....

18) Try to get my ASS out of BTMU...... - DONE!!!!!!


okay.. this year .. although im halfways through this year.. still.. theres always good things about resolution rite?

1) to get married! i know this is not realistic, but i do found someone i want to spend the rest of my life, its just the matter of time.. and him of course......

2) to gain more knowledge from the new workplace

3) to be more humble work wise

4) to buy a house, for investment of course

5) to excel in the new workplace

6) try to be there for those friends that needed me

7) try to be understanding gf or *ahem* wife

8) try to care my doggiessss

9) to make time for my parents

10) D I E T !!!!!!!

its been a while since ive posted something here. guess things are too much to handle to even leave a note here for those tat read. i think, not much people know that this blog still existed., i guess, ive became invisible to anyone else.

when i created this blog, i told myself, this is a regular update to those that still cares about me, to write every single interesting moment that happened in my life, jus to jot down to remind me what or how ive been.

reading at the past entry, i guess theres so much that ive been, it makes me wonder, why ive not been writing anything here? is it because i'm too busy? or m i going through the boring stage?

it sbeen a while since i;ve quiet time to myself. shall update a lil:

- theres an emotional friend of mine, someone close to me enough to make me worried. her ex boyfriend that just broke up w her 5month ago, is getting married. i know how it felt, getting to know that she's with that guy for like, few months but that guy chose to marry another girl. shes strong now, with a lil help of her new-found close friend, i did meet her, talked to her, jus hope that she is alright.

- theres a more complicated story about another friend of mine, that she is emotionally affected by someone so close to her and now a stranger to her. guess i cant say much about this, but i know, i need to be there for her wherever she needed me.

- ive changed job, fuh! finally, my ass is out of btmu now. things in new organization is new, a lil bit of culture shock, a lil bit of uncomfy here and there, but i did adjust, i knew i needed to do my own stuff, i'll be just fine.

- world cup is in this month, every where u go, whoever u sees, they jus talk about football. shall not comment on this, although i just made world cup my enemy, and yes i have reason for this.

nothing much to update, for those that often open this blog, here, a new entry, a mini update about things around me.

as for me, the old me came back, with emptiness, and loneliness in me, although i had my surrounding changed, i am not who i am anymore.

i'm lying alone, with my head on the floor, thinking bout u till it hurt....

as much as i wanted to keep my blog a happy one, i couldnt. and my frd said it right, each time when i fell in love with someone, i'm easily be hurt.

maybe, i shall reserve myself, to protect myself, to be hurt again.

These few weeks, I've always wondered, what my life would be if I've not met him.

As much as I hate myself, I would've admit, I'll be the same old me.

And as much as I hate it, I'm much myself more than now.

"absence maketh a heart grow fonder"

thats what people always said. for me, absence is a test to a relationship, to test, whether each other heart misses one another, and it gave the certain answer, to certain people with certain reason. it tested my relationship, and i just got the answer. i knew i have to face this sooner or later, and its good that i face it while im out of the country, for some reason, im not crazy yet, and i did not do anything else. i did thought of calling, but i knew no matter what i do, the answer will be the same. all i need to do is accept the fact, and cure before going home.

waiting, a word that I hate, yet I'll do all in the name of love.

i'm waiting for smeone to finish second round, to wait for that call for me to fetch that someone....

some may ask me, why?

for me, waiting to see someone u really wants to c... is really blissful, no matter how sleepy i am, i'll wait, jus to get a glimpse of that someone, makes all the effort worthwhile.

ahhhh i'm sleepy and tired, but i knew its worth the waiting......

Things with job aren't going well, well with more politics injected, I guess its really time to for me to find extra opportunity out there. I've been asking myself, why hadn't I gotten out since I've complained much? hmm...

Thank goodness I had someone to share with me. I'm laying awake on bed, thinking, what would my life be without this someone? A teardrop rolled down my cheek...the hurt of not meeting this someone is unbearable. I remembered well, when he first got my attention, he made me laugh in a very tense moment, I felt the laughter was a life saver, making me relaxed in a very nice way.

With this person, I need not to brag on and on about the problem I had, the trouble I;ve been through the day because by looking into my eyes, tat someone knew instantly what's wrong, what happened. And for me, I need not to hear anything, because as I leaned on that someone, I felt nothing is more important to me, the problems has been stolen away, with a twitch of happiness and I'll relax.

I do want to talk more on this person, as this person have gave me happiness, the sense of blissful that I've never felt before, but I'm lost of words, because deep down, I knew the feeling I felt is indescribable. No words could say enough, as I'm very grateful to meet this person, and I hope this person will be here for more years to come.

after a nasty work day, monday blue, cranky boss, bossy and "smart" colleague, i went home. i found myself not to like to go home anymore, but to go to a place, that i could find my comfort.

wherever i'm with that someone, i felt comfortable, the only one i could talk, eat, act and do whatever i want and still felt comfy. i could lean onto someone shoulder and my mind goes blank with a twitch of happiness. i could throw tantrum, be unreasonable, and that someone is still there being patient to me.

i'm a very happy girl nowadays, maybe its because of that someone, or maybe because i'm too comfy. yet, somehow, a part of me are afraid, afraid that all could jus be taken away, either someone being fed up to me, o in any way, i must hold myself to ground. not to b in cloud nine, and be realistic of what i had. what am i talking about?

i remembered looking forward to a day, dressing up, planning ahead what to do on my very own day, but was destroyed by someone that just doesnt care. it was last time, and i had it again with someone new, someone i know would care, but the day is jus not what i expected it to be.

i thought to myself, is it me that put up too much hope on it? is it me that been looking forward to it so much that i indirectly wished too much for someone to disappoint me? is it me that imagined this very day again and again before that when the day finally came and its just a simple day for others?

i told myself last time, that this day is a day of my own, only meant something to me, not to anyone else. i wanted to tell myself this time again, the same thing, to console myself, but i'm just too disappointed.

everyone knew i have been looking forward to this day, everyone have to hear me bragging on and on about what i and him gonna do on this day, everyone been so happy for me, and i have been happy planning on it.

when the day came, and go that easily, everyone been so eager to hear what i did, to share my happiness on my very own special day, but nothing is done.

it came to me that, it might not be a special day, i shall not expect too much, its just another day....

i thought we were different, he is different, but it finally hit me, he is just another guy, and its me that need to change. nobody could accept me of who i am, just.... no one. i need to choose, to change and have someone, or being alone.

sometimes i just wanted to be alone, to not have expectation, just to avoid disappointment. i'm trapped again, to love and cover my disappointment, or to forget and be myself.either way, its hard.

hi all,

its been another year, and lotsa ppl asked me to give them the list of the year to ensure them buying the correct pressie for me. this year, its different, because my life changed, with more people around me, supporting me, and for me, its the greatest gift of all.

as i saw him packing his stuff the other day, a twitch of tears rolled in my eyes, i thought the day would never come, and that the good news that i've been waiting for n celebrating for is jus seconds away. never would i thought the day would come that fast, and that easily, that i have to see him leave.

i remembered when i first knew him 3 years back, when strangers became colleague to friends till the friendship that we shared, we were both young, teaching each other on work, relationship and life. we both grew together shared joys and tears together, scold and bitches together, we was there for each other, to support each other and to slap each other when any of us in wrong.

when i went work today, i did not feel anything, till i saw his place, empty, without his stuff there, i felt it, it was not right, it finally hit me, he wont be there anymore. i missed him already, although we did not talk much during work hour, and we now could still bitch after working hour, its not the same anymore. i missed him coming to my place to ask me silly stuff, to mess with my food on my desk, to steal my food and treat it s if its his, to pass by n push my chair and load my mailbox with his silly remarks. i missed calling spot myr o get swaps pts from him n still doubt his price, me rolling my chair to his place to poke him, o steal the newspaper he read during lunch, o asking him to pay for whatever deposit when i dun have enuf money, o kick his chair when im angry o even bet on simulation trading o even silly stuff i told him and share "me and fatty" story with him n him calling me crazy in love, i even missed him teasing me and fatty =(

sometimes, what ppl says its true.. that those petty petty stuff that makes life interesting, and i finally know it, and realised how much i've enjoyed his company. him not being there, might not mean anything to anyone, but for me, i felt like i've lost my backbone, the one that supported me in the room, the one that helped me through the difficulties and the one that tries to cheer me when i needed to.

he says, i have my love, although i knew my partner will b there for me but its completely different things, what i had with him is something special, i felt bond in us, like brother sister, i was wondering will he ever forget me? the things we shared, is something, no one could understand. its more than friends, but its not relationship, nothing romantic, some indescribable friendship.

i felt distance already, although we vowed to stay on each other side, but its not the same anymore. he is not there anymore. treasury room will never be the same without him, at least for me.

Simple things can be complicated. Complicated things, well, are always complicated. Erm, it depends, something to someone might be different to another person.

Sometimes I felt what "he" said about me when we used to be together are sometimes, true. i might deny it last time, but after so long, i felt yea, maybe i'm just not good enough. i'm not fit enough to be someone's partner, to share someone's life, to be matured enough to handle complicated things that are so simple for someone else.

He asked me, "Am I really ready?".

Out of sudden, I dont know how am i feeling, or what to feel. Thousands and thousands of question came through my mind. And the only question that I really wanted to know the answer was, what the heck had i done in the past few months? Isn't it obvious? Or maybe ..... yea i'm not matured enough to have someone like him.

Or maybe.... yea.. maybe its me.

We went out for dinner, was talking and joking, suddenly he mentioned something that would never cross my mind. Then my hearts stops. I felt tears in my eyes, although its a joke, might or might not, I knew sth was wrong with me. I swear my heart stopped for a few second and it destroyed my happy mood for a while. I didn't know what was happening, I'm neither angry nor unhappy. Maybe I'm shocked, but my heart really stopped.

Something is really wrong with me

i... smiled when others mention someone
i... felt my heart smiled when there is a tiny twitch news of that someone
i... grinned wherever i talked/chat about that someone
i... laughed wherever i think of that someone
i... think of someone all the time
i... wanted to be in contact with it every single minute
i... felt that someone imperfection made it perfect for me

i smiled before i slept, woke up with a smile, handle problems without frustration, nothing seems to bother my mood. Am I acting funny?

somehow, someone made me feel... complete
someone's.. imperfection is perfect for me.

I'm awokened by some noise from my brother room. My first thought was him arguing with his girl. Yet he went out for a while and run back to his room with my dad yelling behind him. Yes they argued again. This time is even worst. My dad wanted to disowned him and he curse himself to death. Its strange for me to write this blog telling whole world what was happening to my family. Maybe its stupid but I've lost a person to complain on. That someone that truly understand how it felt like.

I felt useless. And. Alone.

situation 1 :
when meet during chat room with long lost fren....
Fren: Hey hows life?
ML : erm not so bad, how about u?
Fren : great great... u have FB?
ML : oh yea, add me at ********@****.com
Fren : added....
ML : ok i'll approve now..
Fren : ok
ML : done
Fren : eh.. u seem very "healthy"
ML : yea i know.. i gained weight

Situation 2:
when talk to good friend.....
Fren : hey.. still with tat bank?
ML : yea... still there... stucked.
Fren : c'mon lah.. time to get out!
ML : yea i know...
Fren : oii dun eat so much d! FAT la u...
ML : i've just seen u last week!
Fren : yes.. n getting bigger n bigger...
ML : -_-!!!!!

Situation 3:
when talking to a very very good fren
Fren : KML... diet ahh!!
ML : isit tat obvious? am i tat fat? u jus seen me ytd!!
Fren : yes.. n today u seemes fatter... pls keep la...
ML : wow....
Fren : dun wow.. diet!!!!! else u know u should know how u look like.. how heavy r u?
ML : erm... erm....
Fren : do u wan2 hear more verbal abuse words from me the next time i c u?
ML : no..... no.....
Fren: go exercise... dun eat so much!!
ML : ooook....

Situation 4:
when my dad saw me...
Dad : wow...
ML : what???
Dad : u look a whole lot healthier!!!!!
ML : huh?
Dad :ur tummy showing.... oops... u look bigger now..
ML : shut up!!!!!

sigh!! yea.. tat explained all.....

another year passed by, no one knew what tomorrow meant... anyone remembered? dont think so...

Sigh, why am i even thinking about it?

oh, i finally found someone...like you two

I went to a wedding yesterday, well, its not like I did not go for wedding dinner before or something, but this particular wedding dinner, was a memorable one. I have known this person for quite some time, was very close to him, together with another one, I vow to never ever loose them. I met them during uni time, the time of life, the time when I bonded with them, the time I cherished the most, the time that I'll never forget the rest of my life. We was close, real close, the one that you could just call up any hour and brag on and on about someone else, or those that meet up and talked for hourss without feeling tired, those that you could really count on when anything comes up, those that I shall say no one would ever break us up. I know I did not mentioned much about them in my blog, partly because they were never a problem for me, nothing for me to complaint on, but after the wedding, I found myself to not appreciate much about them. They are dear to me, the one that held me up, the one that took care of me, the one that been through with me through the hard times, the one that actually listen to me. I'm happy for him, really, I felt so blessed to see him this blissful, to see him this happy after those rough years he been through, he found the happiness he deserves. Yes, its you guys I'm talking about, Chung-the-great and Sam-the-man, this blog is dedicated to you.

Although we did not see each other as often as last time, you both know, we will always be friends, now and forever.

Although we are busy with other stuff, you both know, nothing could replace both of you in my heart.

I always knew that we are just a phone call away, and don't worry, nothing has changed, although you two had gotten married, the platonic friendship that we had shared will never change. After all we been through, growing up together, we are, friend for life. And I'm really thankful that I finally found someone .. like both of you....

I finally found someone, that knocks me off my feet
I finally found the one, that makes me feel complete
We started over coffee, we started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin

This time it's different, dah dah dah dah
It's all because of you, dah dah dah dah
It's better than it's ever been
'Cause we can talk it through
Oohh, my favorite line was "Can I call you sometime?"
It's all you had to say to take my breath away

(Chorus)
This is it, oh, I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one, to be with every night
'Cause whatever I do, it's just got to be you
My life has just begun
I finally found someone, ooh, someone
I finally found someone, oooh

Did I keep you waiting, I didn't mind
I apologize, baby, that's fine
I would wait forever just to know you were mine
And I love your hair, sure it looks fine
I love what you wear, isn't it the time?
You're exceptional, I can't wait for the rest of my life

My baby....

Life's been good lately, as bro said I should post something happy in this blog, so here it goes....

Just got home, sleepy, but I just got to post this.

I opened my room, a stack of mail laying on my bed (yes I know, mostly debts) but an envelope caught my attention. I opened it, and it's from my baby! Yes my kid, grown up, healthy and happy.

It happened 3 years ago, and she was a baby then, very cute, remembered the smile in the photo, i felt blessed....

its 3a.m. , I should be sleeping soundly by now as I have to get to work tom.....

An hour earlier, I was laying wide awake on my bed, suddenly, to my surprise, my phone beeped. Out of sudden, it beeped and the name appeared on my cell phone. It beeped, not rang. a text, from someone, that I wasn't suppose to receive from, someone that wasn't suppose to even remember me. Yes, this is gonna be another emo post, so those that doesn't like feeling blue after reading, please get out of this page.

Never had I thought, a simple text could affect how I felt, how I feel about myself, what a loser I am. A text could just slapped me on my face and tell me what a failure I am. Yes I know, how successful the person is, how happy and blissful both are, how much money this people earned, what a b****** to ruined my night.

I remembered the problem clearly, it arises when that person felt insecurity, and started to back stab me even though we were very good friends and I'm such a fool to not realise it sooner. I remembered well too that I just stood there, doing nothing but to see what a "tut" person step on me and tear me down.

Never had I thought, this person had the guts to text me, in the middle of the night, just to brag on the success it gained, and yes, it succeeded with its intention. I felt like a loser, right now.

happiness or love?

I've been thinking this for as long as i lived. Should one chose happiness or love? Will there be both? Yes there is, in movie? in drama? or rare case? or its just plain mixture...

To be with someone you are happy with, or to be with someone you really love?

To be the one who loves, or loved in a relationship?

Sometimes, people tend to forget, when they are happy, they tend to think they are in love. Is it true?

Is it really true that someone you are happy with is not the one you are in love with?

i told someone a lie, and another one another lie, then another 1 the other lie....

why?

m i so afraid of the truth?

o m i so afraid to let everyone know the truth?

i hate to tell everyone the truth, i felt guilty about lying, but i cant help it.

i cant face those pity look on me, i cant have the sympathy words towards me.

i'm me, i'm mayling, and mayling suppose to be strong and pretty life, and happy.

mayling should do the right thing, make the right choice, and lead the life everyone wanted.

what if mayling is not the one everyone thought? what if mayling is the bitch?

will anyone accept her of who she is?

what if she is not strong anymore? what if all she need is someone to lean on?

will she loose those that leaned on her?

every night, i cuddle on my pillow, laying on my bed, i wonder, why cant i jus be those ordinary bitches, that bitches around and gang out to bully the weak ones., be those that jus depend on men and not worried about buying properties and future, be those that just go out for girls night out and forget everything on work, be those that could just lead a simple life and had someone beside me supporting me on whatever i decide....

every night, i hugged my pillow, and i wonder, when will i ever had the chance on hugging someone for real, to spit out my problems and be wiped away after the working hour. Would there be someone to hold me while i m crying and tell me everything is alright?would there be someone that could not get mad at me and still loves me of who i am?

whether my text is being ignored or genuinely did not arrived. But yea, I think after last night, I don’t think I should continue waiting for a response anymore. It has been what? 8 day?
.

I was out with different bunch yesterday, went to karaoke dinner buffet with my other colleague celebrating 2 of their brithday.. had a blast! Will upload the photos later.

After the k session, went out with a friend to a club nearby. Had lotsa champagne...

this kept me thinking, so what if u maintain friendship that you thought were friends, when you could enjoy a night out with those not-so-close with you?

decisions....

life are all about decision, the decision made by others that affects you, decision made by yourself that affects others, decisions done by the gov or some org that caused good or bad to the society and decision made to own selves and affect everyone especially ourselves.

I'm a very indecisive person, I hate to make decision, its because I hate to fail and knowing that I could do better if i decided the other way round after making a decision. I hate the blame that I get when I made the decision I want but does not satisfy others, the feeling of wanting to turn back time and make the right decision is just not.... good.

Honestly, life been balanced. It has its good and its bad at the same time, oh I meant my life. Good when I have more friends around, bad when not all I could open my heart to. Those sort of thing.

I seriously need something new in my life, I know I get bored easily but I felt, life has been going on and on repeating itself that I myself made it as a routine, be it from work, to getting mad at those "ppl", to driving, stuck in jam, meet ppl for lunch,dinner, brunch, movie..... what else can I do in life? I need something new...... and I need to make the decision.... NOW

Finnally, another post

Its been a while since I've written a post, I know its rather annoying not to reply text, emails and IM. I've been pretty busy lately, with friends wedding to catching ups with others and also with my own stuff. You all must be wondering, own stuff? since when do mayling has own stuff?

Some that sees me in office might asked me, since when did mayling dressed up to work?

People who sees me during shopping meet ups or brunch meet up might ask, since when do mayling care on how she looked like?

Those that seen me after office might wonder, since when do mayling make up?

and others that constantly read my blog will think, since when mayling does not write any blog complaining about life?

I'm pretty much complained about everything, just view my old post, from friends to bitches to family to i dont know, love?

It took only one sentence that one of my good friend told me that strikes me to get out of my nightmare... He told me "You are taking other people wrongdoing to punish yourself" . Never came across my mind that this person would say something and I dont talk back. It just struck me and left me speechless after the conversation. Yes Mr proud-ass you are still like my lil bro, not because of one sentence u enlightened me, doesn't mean you are not who I thought okay... I mean every word I said ... muahahaha

Anyway back to the story, I've been struggling to cope with works, with those pest in the room, with someone I have ambiguous stuff with, with my car, with my weight? yea pretty much everything, I've came to a conclusion that no matter how much I did complain, no matter how angry I am, no matter how I reacted, none of it will ever change, and what I did was only a plain waste of time.

Although I really hate those that acted so childish tat treats the workplace like playground, hate those that take me for granted and step on me wherever they could, hate to be criticized on the way I teach people, hate those that are so selfish and only cares about themselves, hate to be alone and being a fatty, but who cares if I hate? who cares if I am angry? who cares if I am sad? none, in the end, yes, I took other people wrongdoing to punish myself, and I do believe it, I've been punishing myself for so long, and I barely know about it. Why? some say its the anger that blocks my rationale, but deep down I knew, I'm too stubborn to refuse the thought of people disliking me. I hate to think that in this world, there's someone ( a few, maybe) who hates me.

A lot of people would be surprised by this, even mayling could say that? where's the one that debates on and on about other people wrongdoing? where's the one that has so many rationale and talk again and again on people mistakes? Again, everyone will make mistakes, and I'm not saying its okay to make mistakes, but its okay to make mistakes and realize it. It makes me so angry to those that do not admit their own mistakes, that is why I've been complaining on and on about it for the past 2 and half year of my working life. I admit that I've made mistakes, sometimes I'm too stubborn to admit it in front of people's, but deep down I do know what I've done, what I should not do, but then again, what if others is just as stubborn as me?

I guess if this would be a debate, its a pretty hot topic with so many points that everyone might want to raise, but what I'm saying is... yea I've been through, although I might complain again and again in future, I knew deep down, I would not ever let anyone to hurt me anymore, no matter what it is, I'll just complain and get on with it. No more feeling sad over someone else, no more tears for anger that those caused, no matter what it is, I knew, I have to really take care of myself, and not let anyone to hurt me anymore.

People write to taste life twice, I write to remind myself to be wise?

Yea, its bonus time, its time for me to upload what I've got for myself.. not to show off, just to share.. not to say I have fat bonuses, but when other people get bonus, they tend to be a lil bit generous....

people who know me knew I doesn't fancy coach, but i got this from my dad!!! hehe..... how cool is my dad huh?


Got this for my mum, but she said its too small... so she swapped this for my bigger ones... smart chooser....

This is for myself...I've always wanted to buy a wallet..... so there goes my $$$$$

Save the best for last, I adore this one......... its like my dream come true.. not as close as a birkin though

C H O C O L A T E

yea, I'm addicted to it. Maybe its the sweet tooth, maybe its a comfort food, maybe its the anti-depressant thingy. Yea, I'm stressed, yes I'm alone, yes I will b fat if I continue to consume it everyday, and then I'll get more depress? argghhh screw it!! I love it, I will contnue to consume it everyday ( its running out!!!!!) and yes again, I'm addicted to it.

To guy : "You are a fair-weather friend! As long as the girl is sweet and loving , you are here for me, but as soon as I am not, you walk right out of the door. I dont need you to say anything, I just need you to hold me and let me feel that you really cares"

He: "She just needed me to go over and hold her, as long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she's unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself"

"I think letting you go was the smartest decision I ever made. Even though I loved you so much, I just couldn't dealt with the pain. And, the times we spent together, were the best times of my life. But no matter how much I wanted to keep you in my arms, I couldn't. I couldn't hold on to you, knowing that all you were going to do was hurt me. But right now, even though I still love you, I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to complete me. I just need you to comfort me when I'm sad, support me, and listen to me when I talk. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm glad to see both of you, I'm glad we're over. I'm glad I've let go."

As I walked in a shopping center, Chinese New Year deco is still hanging around, yet the red deco somewhat reminded me that Valentine is somewhere near. Yes, it is, tomorrow would be Chinese Valentine, and next Saturday would be "the" Valentine. This year would be the second year for me to go through with the roses, chocolates, candlelit dinner, alone. Surprisingly, this year I did not brag around not getting flower, or not having someone special to spend time with, plus this year, I did not search for entertainment all day long avoiding myself with the lovey dovey crowds, yet I think I am starting to get used to deal with it, and I would not plan anything on that particular day, and just go on with whatever comes. To everyone, Happy Chinese New Year and have a blissful Valentine's Day.

voluptuous

She's young, only sixteen. Petite, a lil bit curvy. dressing.. erm... cool with her age. We first met, and she was shy, she just nod, and smile...... erm.... smile showing her teeth, misplaced of 4 front tooth but she was ok, a bit shy, but friendly. When we sat on a round table to have our meal, she practically gobbled each and every meat showing her teeth. I finally couldn't stand it and asked my uncle, what did my brother see in her. And he answered the title of this entry, "voluptuous".

*just an entertainment for CNY.. hehe

Memoirs of 2 0 0 8

Brand new year, brand new start.... its time to flash back what I've done for the past year... either to remind myself, to keep it as memories, or to learn from it......

I remember, I starts my year 2008 with counting down with my two good long lost friends, we had fun the night, had alot of laughter and i welcome 2008 with jokes, screams and laugh... eagerly welcoming 2008 with hopes, dreams and more hope. Wishing 2008 will bring me more than what I want, and gave me more memories to keep for life.

Beginning of 2008, I had 2 close colleague, which I eaten, laughed, shopped, played, club-ed, danced and do almost everything together. They've helped to come through the hardest time, yet towards the second months, soon a group of 3 became 4 as I pulled another into the group and yea, we had fun but it lasted for only 2 months, and I was torn apart from them, partly because people's said 4 is a crowd was true, partly because I couldn't click with them anymore, and yea partly because of my ego.. must be my ego.... My heart hurts alot when it happened, as I thought what we had shared is something more than hangout friend, I did believe that we are sincerely true friends, but well, it has proven me the second time, I had some attitude problem.
Lesson to learn: be more humble... throw away egoistic attitude

When I glanced again, the past year, was not a good one for me. I've met numerous time of accident, was at the lowest point of my life, there was someone else, that someone that helped me through the police report and transportation for me to commute to and from work. We had some good time, some memories yet was drifted apart after a while, although our time is short, but I really am grateful for everything happened, and at least after so long, we had taste some that we had longed to taste, although it did not work, we had our memory. Its also proven now, its the best for both of us....

Then I met another bunch of colleague, I've gained extra good friend, and there formed a so called "5 sekawan" which I hoped I would never pissed them off with my egoistic attitude? but maybe they was matured enough to handle me haha... yea it makes my life in office not so horrible, at least something for me to look forward to everyday. Thanks for the friendship, the support, and also the drinking just to release my stress from failing examsssss....

As I've mentioned earlier, one of the worst thing happened to me is failing my exam... I've underestimated a person, and I've been knocked down HARD, T W I C E
Lesson to learn: Never underestimate anyone.... A N Y O N E

Sam-antha got married last year, her founding the other half was truly something to celebrate. The first from our 4-S to get married, and the rest of us are very happy for her. Hoping more to come soon, and I know, I HAVE TO find an A to join your 3-A partner soon. On another hand, he got married as well, seeing him in a blissful state, makes me smile more when I looked back last year, and hope another of us will soon walked down the aisle next year smoothly. Wish them the best of luck!

Last year, I met another person, a person that reminds me of someone else, a person that I could just clicked, and a person that truly be by my side. I thank that some1 for the great time, thanks for the support, and hope we will be friend for life.

I've met different type of people last year, I did go out more with different people, to know extra friend, maybe I thought I could find more true friends, and I'm still working on it. Although I've been putting myself in a busy situation, keeping me busy with outings, and works, somehow, I couldn't get myself to not think on something happen to me end of previous year which is 2007. I still struggled after a year, my heart is still broken, although there's hope for it now, I don't seem to want him back, yet my heart couldn't accept a new one either. Partly also, "third party" word is too much for me. Staying single throughout the year had taught me to be extra careful, fully independent, and tough to face every obstacle happen. Although last year was filled with alot of tears, yet I think I've grown up, to be someone I used to be, to be who I am, and not someone that others wants me to. Last year, was a year that I have never go through a day without tears, insomnia, heartache and headache yet it was a year of full of lesson. A year that teaches me to not be egoistic, to be matured, to be independent, to be patient, to handle stress, to handle work politics, learned to appreciates my family, learned to appreciates everything around me, to not be afraid to be who I am, to not takes things for granted, and proves to me that I'm not smart at all. Last year has slapped me and woke me up from my schooling time, and face with real life, with professional paper standard. I hoped I would not repeat the mistakes I've done last year, and also learned the lesson enough to change me to a better person. Although I missed being someone that has another person to pamper, someone that could depend on someone else without using my own brain, someone that could care less of what other thinks about me, someone that don't give a damn and called those that could not handle my attitude to be CHILDISH, someone that blames others for own mistakes, but I knew, being in the cruel adult world, every single darn thing that is wrong with own life is own mistakes, they might be childish but its me that cant handle chidishness, I shall not blame others on how they treat me, I shall blame myself, and shall learn from it. I will handle it matured-ly, and in a professional way.

This year I shall pry myself to fully utilize everything I've learned last year, and pray that this year to be a great one!

New Year Resolution

Okay I know I did not write the annual pass yr thingy, but I've jus came back from the countdown, it makes me think..... hmm.. i shall start new year resolution... to achieve the things I have to achieve this year.....

1) Try to get out from BTMU

2) Try to find someone to spend special occassion with

3) Try to stay away from my BFF this year a.k.a tears

4) Try not to let someone to affect my emotion

5) Try to go on DIEt!

6) Try to laugh more... from the heart

7) Try not to strangle the princess when facing its fake-ness

8) Try to be professional while dealing with "those"

9) Try to change my car!

10) Try to exercise more!

11) Try to sleep more.....

12) Try to not to stress myself that much

13) Try to finish the book titled Currency Wars

14) Try to get another A to join the 3-A partner

15) Try to be friend with colleague while stuck there

16) Try to be more friendly and make more friend

17) Try to be more humble work wise

18) Try to get my ASS out of BTMU......

Happy New Year everyone!!~~

**green = more hope

"People write to taste life twice"

I've been viewing my own past entries, re-posting another entry which I thought it fits what I am thinking perfectly. I saw my entries, there's angry ones, the sweet ones, the frustrated ones, the thank-you ones, the appreciates-girt ones, the hate ones, and yea the friendship ones.

As what I have mentioned up there, peoples writes to taste life twice, and I felt its true, because all the past entries, I'm so glad that I had it written, I get to taste it again when I read it. Someone told me, my blog are not the same anymore, more realistic words, and I've lost my style of blogging.

As the year end approaches, I'll start the usual annual blog that reflects what I done, what I've NOT done, what I regretted, what I've NOT regretted again soon....

RE-POST: Hate god-d*** it

i know i had to grow up n be two faced ppl, i know i had to learn how to use ppl, i know i had to have strong determination to hit others fall flat on the floor even though they r my best fren, i know i had to b cruel, i know i had to live with it, n i know i had to move on...

i admit that i m naive, am innocent yet fake in front of ppl, am fake yet truthful in watever i done, am truthful yet ignorant, am ignorant yet carin, am caring yet arogant.. i admit that i had make mistakes, mistakes that i always made but had no chance o jus dun care to made up for it, the attitude i should change, attitude that makes not oni ppl around me but everyone who knows me get annoyed, attitude that i dun intend to give ppl the negative intention, intention that i failed to deliver positively yet received by receiver negatively, receiver that loves me for who am i at 1st yet hate me for wat they loved me las time.....

i hate to b fake, i hate to b two faced ppl, i hate to b the bitch talking ppl back to get even when i know bitching ppl back is the thing i hate the most, i hate to b the one who complains about those who once used to b my best fren when i know i should make love not war, i hate to live with it when i know i could bare with it, i hate to b cruel when i know i shouldnt b treating ppl like this, i hate to b nice to ppl jus to use them for my own good when i know i hate ppl to treat me good for their own good, i hate to treat ppl unfairly jus to get my fair when i know i should b fair to everyone, i hate to do something illegally o legally jus to get even with some1 when i know i should b nicer to them, i hate to hit ppl flat on their face when i know i should seek my mistakes n correct it, i hate ppl get on my nerves when i know i should b more patient, i hate to be an ADULT!

i missed the one innocent girl, that young naive girl, lovely charming and happy-go-lucky girl i once to be.. the one when everyone wanted to b my fren, the true fren not the fake ones, the one i had back then, the one who jus tell me what the hell wrong with me n demand me to correct it instead of bitching me around my back, the one who cries when i cried n laugh when i laughed o shout when i shouted, the one who took my hand n tells me everything will jsu b ok listing all my mistakes out n what should i do nex, the one who jus wont listen to anybody anything about me n trust me of who i am, the one who believe in me n supports me in everything i do, the one who doesnt get even with me n asking everyone else to against me, the one who looks me up for who i am....

i strived hard to change the things that i should change, i strived hard to avoid things that i know i hate ppl doin it to me, i stived hard to b the best i could yet i failed not oni once now but i m sure much more to come... i m no perfect but at least i strived hard to be.. i know i annoyed ppl, i know i made ppl hate me, yes i admit.. no matter who m i everyone's gotta have enemy.. i cant b miss goody two shoes where i side both place o side either place coz i m neutral! i know in this world ppl r realistic n yes i admit i m too naive to b in that world n theres more to come yet for me to learn... at least for now i know i had to learn to stand up for myself.... yes i know what i should do but i m helpless to do it... its the inner strength that makes and asks me to b good, to b naive, to b true, to b the 1 i used to b....

Hi all, most of you all must be thinking that I am too busy to update this blog. Well partly yes, bt partly I knew when I started to write blog, it would be an emo entry. Although i had a blast last week, having everyone to celebrate my birthday with me. Thanks for everyone, those text, those outing, those dinner, those presents, those choco's, those flowers, thanks alot! I'm really surprised that those I did not contact at all remembers my big day. Thanks....

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
'Cause it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

The game is on agein
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all


I really like this song, maybe because it resembles what I am now, be it to an ex, or to my "dear" colleague, I am tired, when all said and done, I am off. No more fighting for my rights, because the winner takes it all......

When you are a loser, admit it, its much easier than asking others to admit.

D R E A M B A G

Okay I did not include this on the wish list, needless to state the reason... and needless to introduce



I like the Crocs one better... but I like it in white colour.... cant find a picture of it...

Dun rally like this material but I like the colour!!

Okay look how Posh can be so "posh"? Oh gosh, sh must;v the whole collection!!

Wish List !!!!!!

Okay, okay, since I am finding ways to de-stress, I'll put up my wish list, since everyone been asking what I want for my big day, what I need, what I expects to have.... SO here it goes.. dont blame me for not giving you idea okay...

Tiffany 1837 Circles Pendant
Paloma Picasson Loving Heart Ring


Elsa Peretti Open Heart PendantJoy Large Hobo White - Gucci


Okay this abit off, coz I dun really like LV but I need a wallet!! LV Damier Brazza Wallet

Stella McCartney Charm shoulders Bag

Been wanting to get this, Cole Haan Triangle Tote

Okay for the lower range............ as everyone know me, its always the thought that counts

W A R

I was viewing some of my friends blog, and I found out some horrible people out there could even start a hate blog on her. I know this friend of mine for over 17 years? although we have seperated after primary school time, and did not get in touch with her, but being with her for the past 7 years being classmates and also quite a good friend back then, I knew she is the person that speaks what in her heart, and is sincere in every friendship. I've known her for her good heart, and also her character that ones never forgets about her. I think its horrible for someone to do that to her. Its amazing how educated people could ever do something just to hurt someone feeling, or worst someone's self esteem. But she handles it well, she is not bothered at all, her usual way, very positive girl.

On a separate issue, I was talking to another person, yea that someone, he was having a hard time in his working place, backstabbing, sabotaging reputations, lie and mostly politics conquer not only his offices but includes the HR where certain someone has connection with the HR sort of thing. He as usual, is protective of himself, well...what can I say, he will always be him. The one that does not need anyone to support him, he has his own family that supports him which is enough for him, he has his own thinking which he thinks is always correct, he has his own way which no one could stand in his way, he has his own revenge which he always thinks is perfect.

What I am trying to say is, why continue the hate when you are hatred? why continue the war when someone started the war? why do the things that you hate someone doing to you? I was wondering, when will this end if someone's continue their enemy work? Why cant everyone just appreciate what they had, and do the best of it? Learn to love yourself, learn to love people around you and learn to appreciate those that hate you. I appreciate those that done bad in my life, thank them for giving the chance to learn at this young age, thank them for not giving me an easy time to go through, thank them for the lesson learned, thank them for the obstacles happen, learn to appreciate it, try not to go revenge, use the energy to learn from the mistakes instead. Pry not to repeat it, and learn how to loves them. As I always said, hate is not the opposite of love, its being indifferent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu9FPb-TZuk --> have a look at these and learn people!