My own wonder-land

2012-01-09T19:50:00.003+08:00

i got a few msges about what I've last logged. it's amazing that theres so many people that still read my blog, its unexpected.

the question, why can't i b myself in my own blog?

i guess i have to say, time passes by, when everyone expected me to be different. i can't put my real feeling out there, coz trust me, theres no one that likes the real me. from my past relationship and friends around, i guess sometimes, people are with u jus because they want to b with u, happy. i knew deep down, the truth is, i'm a very emotional creature, that i felt, one day, i might find someone somewhere to accept me of who i am. well, i thought i found, until, yea it proves me wrong.

life has been treating me real nice. i have friends around me, that loves me enough to be with me, to cry and laugh together. although, its not the same as having certain someone special in the heart, i guess its enough for now. career has been progressing, like how i wanted it to be, so its nice. i guess u can't have everything perfect, and yes as i would always say "perfect will be boring".

though undeniable, there are certain sometimes that i'm perfectly fine, and certain sometime that i felt, being alone sucks. i can't deny that i still misses that certain someone, for certain some reason. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore, coz its over.

i don't find a reason to blog now. its jus gonna be me ranting over and over again, about something maybe u guys know o maybe not know. i shall find my mood back to write more.

2012-01-07T23:33:00.002+08:00

life is always not perfect. i guess for me, its true that we should focus more on what we have now, instead of what we had before.

ever remember wishing that you will have everything under ur control and stuff that u wished to buy on the pay day of the 20th month of savings? like today, i was out for a round of movie with my colleague, i looked at them, and i realize, how simple life can be.

i found out, i can't blog anymore, coz i guess i can't even be myself here.

2012-01-02T00:06:00.002+08:00

i guess its been a while ever since I blogged. every time when i wanted to write something here, i always find some reason to t write. i guess i didn't want to change the happy mode in this blog.

its new year today, i spent the whole night thinking which is the best new year celebration. i remembered pretty well, the day we hugged and watched the fireworks in his balcony, whispering happy new year with a sweet long kiss. simple, and nice.

a tear slipped my eyes, remembering the feelings and sensation that I've missed so much. ¥es, i'm okay without him in my life now, i guess you can say that i'm over him. yet, deep down, i cried every time i thunked of him. he did not return any of my text, and he wouldn't know, how much I've missed him. its been a year, and he made it clear he didn't want me to be in his life.

is this love? i have known love to be pure, simple and nice. its supposed to make everyone happy, not miserable or something that makes someone unhappy. when i asked anyone that are in love, they told me, when you have found the one, its easy, why is this so hard for me? why is this so hard for us? people says good things will happen in good people. i guess i'm really a bad one. its never easy for me to love, and it never easy for me to be with the one i loved.

i didn't want to say it out loud, because i didn't want to be sympathized by anyone, and yes because i didn't want my best friend to know, i'm still sad.

2010-11-28T23:17:00.003+08:00

when i opened my eyes today, i saw him, still sleeping, a twitch of happiness hit me, and i smiled. its been a while since i have this feeling, i felt, blissful, its feels great being with him minus the arguements, its been a while, but we made it thru. i'm very happy, he makes me happy... ahhhh i am happy

2010-11-07T15:59:00.000+08:00

As I walked around the shopping mall yesterday with a couple of my gf, shopping around, talking and giggling suddenly I saw someone across the center court. Yes its him, standing there with his friend doing the same as me. I thought I would run away and hide. It was the first time I saw him since 'it' and I thought I would jus hide away from him. To my surprise, I continued to walk with my gf, nod to him and smile. I finally knew that v both have finally let go, and yes, there's only one person in my mind. and I smiled.

2010-11-07T04:29:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been feeling weird. I act weird.

Weird in a way that I couldn't describe. Bad weird? I dun think so, weird in a way that I felt I fell again.

I couldn't think straight again, with my emotion conquer my every single move, I felt I'm weak again. To fall for my emotional heart instead of my brain. Why must I be this bitch when I'm being totally rational few month back. I was rational before.... Sigh! Why must I ruin my own life wherever I fall in love? O am I jus playin a fool with my heart? Messing my own mind?

I know I should be rational, be the person I am before. To think, act and talk as an adult. To stop thinkin about ppl ruining my life and me ended up ruining it.

I knew my life will b messed up if I persist being like this, no people would stand my behaviour, my idiot emotional me.

I knew I need to speak wats in my mind, taking rationale to it, but I also knew no one would understand me.

Maybe I have communication problem where I couldn't express myself enough during verbal conversation.

As much as I hope, I knew there's no one out there to understand me, to feel wat I felt, to see what I've seen.

The only thing that someone know is that I showed temper n being childish.

Who am I? Where am I? Mayling is not the same again....

2010-10-06T22:48:00.002+08:00

my friend asked me, why choose a person that are not in my world? i told them, i loves him

his friend asked him, why choose a person that are not in his world?he told them, he had chosen.

we used to be the perfect ones, the lovey dovey couple that goes everywhere together, have the perfect understanding of each other, respect each other and had our own space. things is so simple and easy with each other, that both of us, took granted at each other but cherish each other in our way that nobody could understand. people besides us would always question us, on how we are, on how we cope on each other, on how we match so perfectly that he does things that no one could expect him to, and me to actually match it so well.

everyone thinks, that i'm the childish ones that been spoilt by him, the one that takes on hold in the relationship, yet inside, we have our mutual agreement that we are who we are, that it doesnt matter who do what, as long as we believed in who we are, that we loves each other, nothing seem to matter.

i think i shouldnt use the words used to, we still are, we grew stronger each day. sometimes it makes me think, never would i thought that we would fit so perfectly with each other, o shall i say, never would i thought that someone would actually fit me so fine that i actually believed, we are a soul. things never been planned, yet everything seems to sail so smoothly, that we cherish each other no matter what everyone said around us.

i am thankful that im destined to b with someone, that fit me so perfectly, maybe, just maybe, its time, to b more than who we are.

2010-10-06T22:14:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since i am free, thinking of me and what changes around me. i read the past entry, one blog that makes me cry, and makes me wonder, what if it doesnt go the way it is?

what if, he decided not to leave the bank.. would we still be best frds?

what if, we put a lil more effort... would we still be that close?

what if, i did not introduce someone to him... would we still cherish each other?

i missed the time when we are together, when we can call each other up to talk, and bitch on whatever it is, someone that knows me inside out, my weakness and strength... for now, when i needed someone to talk, i could not find anyone, that i could just pour my heart out, to tell what i'm really feeling, i guess... thats because, we aren't true friend enough.

theres alot of friends that come and go, i thought we had more than that, we stood each other up when things are not right. thru the things that we been thru, never cross my mind that, we now are stranger. having awkward conversation. guess, thats just life, people that touched ur heart, can leave footprint to ur heart, just like people that hurt u, leave scars... its all memory that remained.

2010-07-12T20:56:00.003+08:00

after one tired day of work, i finally knocked off, met my guy, started to head for some happy hour. a few drinks after, continued to another place later. and i finally sat down, i feel good about it, i felt good when my guy is by my side, hugging me and i felt a strong sense of security. he was good to me, he cares for me, he is even sensitive enough, to actually move and act exactly what i wanted. after a tired night out, either him taking care of me, or me taking care of him, we both slept, and never failed to hold each other hand while sleeping. i remembered, to wake up, with a light kiss, and i saw a huge grin across his face when i opened my eyes, i thought myself, i wanted to wake up everyday like that, 'coz it plaster a smile on my face, and i'm happy. i never thought i would be this happy, like to laugh from my heart and jump out from bed just to hug him. petty petty stuff, makes me happy, i never felt so wanted, and loved by someone, and i could be myself, no pretending at all, and from time to time, i thought, i finally found someone, that truly care and love who i am.

yes he is, the man ive been waiting for. each time, i failed to see his imperfection, its because, of his every moves, seems so perfect to me, i even caught myself daydreaming of jus leaning myself on him. he seemed to have the power, or something to just take all my burden away, all the sadness just melt away, with him, i dont need to make decision, i dont need to pretend something im not, and ahhh.. i cant write more to show how comfy i am with him. i know i did not talk much about him, he makes my life shine again, everything with him is always great and i loves him for it. -the end- i really miss him....

2010-06-26T22:21:00.003+08:00

i have beenhaving this entry for the longest time that i did not have the time to post it out, the new year resolution thingy... hmmm.. ok , lets review my 2009 resolution :

1) Try to get out from BTMU - done

2) Try to find someone to spend special occassion with - kinda done

3) Try to stay away from my BFF this year a.k.a tears - also kinda done, tears for different reason now.....

4) Try not to let someone to affect my emotion - different someone now

5) Try to go on DIEt! - fail! i need to get it done this year

6) Try to laugh more... from the heart - D O N E ... i have someone that makes me laugh, and cry of course, nothing is perfect, but for me, he is.

7) Try not to strangle the princess when facing its fake-ness - not facing them anymore! and done! did not strangle any of them.. hehe

8) Try to be professional while dealing with "those" - DONE, deal professionally!

9) Try to change my car! - changed in 2009 June

10) Try to exercise more! - joined fitness first, try to go there twice to thrice a week.. now im further than i used to be

11) Try to sleep more..... - slept at 10, woke up at 6am everyday now.. well, almost 10...

12) Try to not to stress myself that much - new stress.. good stress though

13) Try to finish the book titled Currency Wars - finished, but not helpful.. hmm...

14) Try to get another A to join the 3-A partner - hmm.. yea.. i've got an A co-incidentally...

15) Try to be friend with colleague while stuck there - not stucked there anymore... =) but i did be friends to them, even till now!!

16) Try to be more friendly and make more friend - hmm.. i did i think... more people treats me as friends.....

17) Try to be more humble work wise - oh yea.. need to do that this year....

18) Try to get my ASS out of BTMU...... - DONE!!!!!!

okay.. this year .. although im halfways through this year.. still.. theres always good things about resolution rite?

1) to get married! i know this is not realistic, but i do found someone i want to spend the rest of my life, its just the matter of time.. and him of course......

2) to gain more knowledge from the new workplace

3) to be more humble work wise

4) to buy a house, for investment of course

5) to excel in the new workplace

6) try to be there for those friends that needed me

7) try to be understanding gf or *ahem* wife

8) try to care my doggiessss

9) to make time for my parents

10) D I E T !!!!!!!

2010-06-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

its been a while since ive posted something here. guess things are too much to handle to even leave a note here for those tat read. i think, not much people know that this blog still existed., i guess, ive became invisible to anyone else.

when i created this blog, i told myself, this is a regular update to those that still cares about me, to write every single interesting moment that happened in my life, jus to jot down to remind me what or how ive been.

reading at the past entry, i guess theres so much that ive been, it makes me wonder, why ive not been writing anything here? is it because i'm too busy? or m i going through the boring stage?

it sbeen a while since i;ve quiet time to myself. shall update a lil:

- theres an emotional friend of mine, someone close to me enough to make me worried. her ex boyfriend that just broke up w her 5month ago, is getting married. i know how it felt, getting to know that she's with that guy for like, few months but that guy chose to marry another girl. shes strong now, with a lil help of her new-found close friend, i did meet her, talked to her, jus hope that she is alright.

- theres a more complicated story about another friend of mine, that she is emotionally affected by someone so close to her and now a stranger to her. guess i cant say much about this, but i know, i need to be there for her wherever she needed me.

- ive changed job, fuh! finally, my ass is out of btmu now. things in new organization is new, a lil bit of culture shock, a lil bit of uncomfy here and there, but i did adjust, i knew i needed to do my own stuff, i'll be just fine.

- world cup is in this month, every where u go, whoever u sees, they jus talk about football. shall not comment on this, although i just made world cup my enemy, and yes i have reason for this.

nothing much to update, for those that often open this blog, here, a new entry, a mini update about things around me.

as for me, the old me came back, with emptiness, and loneliness in me, although i had my surrounding changed, i am not who i am anymore.

2010-03-16T23:17:00.002+08:00

i'm lying alone, with my head on the floor, thinking bout u till it hurt....

as much as i wanted to keep my blog a happy one, i couldnt. and my frd said it right, each time when i fell in love with someone, i'm easily be hurt.

maybe, i shall reserve myself, to protect myself, to be hurt again.

2010-03-13T23:04:00.000+08:00

These few weeks, I've always wondered, what my life would be if I've not met him.

As much as I hate myself, I would've admit, I'll be the same old me.

And as much as I hate it, I'm much myself more than now.

2010-02-21T02:23:00.002+08:00

"absence maketh a heart grow fonder"

thats what people always said. for me, absence is a test to a relationship, to test, whether each other heart misses one another, and it gave the certain answer, to certain people with certain reason. it tested my relationship, and i just got the answer. i knew i have to face this sooner or later, and its good that i face it while im out of the country, for some reason, im not crazy yet, and i did not do anything else. i did thought of calling, but i knew no matter what i do, the answer will be the same. all i need to do is accept the fact, and cure before going home.

2010-01-20T22:53:00.001+08:00

waiting, a word that I hate, yet I'll do all in the name of love.

i'm waiting for smeone to finish second round, to wait for that call for me to fetch that someone....

some may ask me, why?

for me, waiting to see someone u really wants to c... is really blissful, no matter how sleepy i am, i'll wait, jus to get a glimpse of that someone, makes all the effort worthwhile.

ahhhh i'm sleepy and tired, but i knew its worth the waiting......

2010-01-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

Things with job aren't going well, well with more politics injected, I guess its really time to for me to find extra opportunity out there. I've been asking myself, why hadn't I gotten out since I've complained much? hmm...

Thank goodness I had someone to share with me. I'm laying awake on bed, thinking, what would my life be without this someone? A teardrop rolled down my cheek...the hurt of not meeting this someone is unbearable. I remembered well, when he first got my attention, he made me laugh in a very tense moment, I felt the laughter was a life saver, making me relaxed in a very nice way.

With this person, I need not to brag on and on about the problem I had, the trouble I;ve been through the day because by looking into my eyes, tat someone knew instantly what's wrong, what happened. And for me, I need not to hear anything, because as I leaned on that someone, I felt nothing is more important to me, the problems has been stolen away, with a twitch of happiness and I'll relax.

I do want to talk more on this person, as this person have gave me happiness, the sense of blissful that I've never felt before, but I'm lost of words, because deep down, I knew the feeling I felt is indescribable. No words could say enough, as I'm very grateful to meet this person, and I hope this person will be here for more years to come.

2009-12-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

after a nasty work day, monday blue, cranky boss, bossy and "smart" colleague, i went home. i found myself not to like to go home anymore, but to go to a place, that i could find my comfort.

wherever i'm with that someone, i felt comfortable, the only one i could talk, eat, act and do whatever i want and still felt comfy. i could lean onto someone shoulder and my mind goes blank with a twitch of happiness. i could throw tantrum, be unreasonable, and that someone is still there being patient to me.

i'm a very happy girl nowadays, maybe its because of that someone, or maybe because i'm too comfy. yet, somehow, a part of me are afraid, afraid that all could jus be taken away, either someone being fed up to me, o in any way, i must hold myself to ground. not to b in cloud nine, and be realistic of what i had. what am i talking about?

2009-12-20T13:35:00.002+08:00

i remembered looking forward to a day, dressing up, planning ahead what to do on my very own day, but was destroyed by someone that just doesnt care. it was last time, and i had it again with someone new, someone i know would care, but the day is jus not what i expected it to be.

i thought to myself, is it me that put up too much hope on it? is it me that been looking forward to it so much that i indirectly wished too much for someone to disappoint me? is it me that imagined this very day again and again before that when the day finally came and its just a simple day for others?

i told myself last time, that this day is a day of my own, only meant something to me, not to anyone else. i wanted to tell myself this time again, the same thing, to console myself, but i'm just too disappointed.

everyone knew i have been looking forward to this day, everyone have to hear me bragging on and on about what i and him gonna do on this day, everyone been so happy for me, and i have been happy planning on it.

when the day came, and go that easily, everyone been so eager to hear what i did, to share my happiness on my very own special day, but nothing is done.

it came to me that, it might not be a special day, i shall not expect too much, its just another day....

i thought we were different, he is different, but it finally hit me, he is just another guy, and its me that need to change. nobody could accept me of who i am, just.... no one. i need to choose, to change and have someone, or being alone.

sometimes i just wanted to be alone, to not have expectation, just to avoid disappointment. i'm trapped again, to love and cover my disappointment, or to forget and be myself.either way, its hard.

2009-12-11T22:44:00.003+08:00

hi all,

its been another year, and lotsa ppl asked me to give them the list of the year to ensure them buying the correct pressie for me. this year, its different, because my life changed, with more people around me, supporting me, and for me, its the greatest gift of all.

2009-12-07T23:22:00.002+08:00

as i saw him packing his stuff the other day, a twitch of tears rolled in my eyes, i thought the day would never come, and that the good news that i've been waiting for n celebrating for is jus seconds away. never would i thought the day would come that fast, and that easily, that i have to see him leave.

i remembered when i first knew him 3 years back, when strangers became colleague to friends till the friendship that we shared, we were both young, teaching each other on work, relationship and life. we both grew together shared joys and tears together, scold and bitches together, we was there for each other, to support each other and to slap each other when any of us in wrong.

when i went work today, i did not feel anything, till i saw his place, empty, without his stuff there, i felt it, it was not right, it finally hit me, he wont be there anymore. i missed him already, although we did not talk much during work hour, and we now could still bitch after working hour, its not the same anymore. i missed him coming to my place to ask me silly stuff, to mess with my food on my desk, to steal my food and treat it s if its his, to pass by n push my chair and load my mailbox with his silly remarks. i missed calling spot myr o get swaps pts from him n still doubt his price, me rolling my chair to his place to poke him, o steal the newspaper he read during lunch, o asking him to pay for whatever deposit when i dun have enuf money, o kick his chair when im angry o even bet on simulation trading o even silly stuff i told him and share "me and fatty" story with him n him calling me crazy in love, i even missed him teasing me and fatty =(

sometimes, what ppl says its true.. that those petty petty stuff that makes life interesting, and i finally know it, and realised how much i've enjoyed his company. him not being there, might not mean anything to anyone, but for me, i felt like i've lost my backbone, the one that supported me in the room, the one that helped me through the difficulties and the one that tries to cheer me when i needed to.

he says, i have my love, although i knew my partner will b there for me but its completely different things, what i had with him is something special, i felt bond in us, like brother sister, i was wondering will he ever forget me? the things we shared, is something, no one could understand. its more than friends, but its not relationship, nothing romantic, some indescribable friendship.

i felt distance already, although we vowed to stay on each other side, but its not the same anymore. he is not there anymore. treasury room will never be the same without him, at least for me.

2009-10-26T19:34:00.002+08:00

Simple things can be complicated. Complicated things, well, are always complicated. Erm, it depends, something to someone might be different to another person.

Sometimes I felt what "he" said about me when we used to be together are sometimes, true. i might deny it last time, but after so long, i felt yea, maybe i'm just not good enough. i'm not fit enough to be someone's partner, to share someone's life, to be matured enough to handle complicated things that are so simple for someone else.

He asked me, "Am I really ready?".

Out of sudden, I dont know how am i feeling, or what to feel. Thousands and thousands of question came through my mind. And the only question that I really wanted to know the answer was, what the heck had i done in the past few months? Isn't it obvious? Or maybe ..... yea i'm not matured enough to have someone like him.

Or maybe.... yea.. maybe its me.

2009-10-09T16:23:00.000+08:00

We went out for dinner, was talking and joking, suddenly he mentioned something that would never cross my mind. Then my hearts stops. I felt tears in my eyes, although its a joke, might or might not, I knew sth was wrong with me. I swear my heart stopped for a few second and it destroyed my happy mood for a while. I didn't know what was happening, I'm neither angry nor unhappy. Maybe I'm shocked, but my heart really stopped.

Something is really wrong with me

2009-09-24T23:09:00.002+08:00

i... smiled when others mention someone
i... felt my heart smiled when there is a tiny twitch news of that someone
i... grinned wherever i talked/chat about that someone
i... laughed wherever i think of that someone
i... think of someone all the time
i... wanted to be in contact with it every single minute
i... felt that someone imperfection made it perfect for me

i smiled before i slept, woke up with a smile, handle problems without frustration, nothing seems to bother my mood. Am I acting funny?

somehow, someone made me feel... complete
someone's.. imperfection is perfect for me.

2009-09-10T01:51:00.000+08:00

I'm awokened by some noise from my brother room. My first thought was him arguing with his girl. Yet he went out for a while and run back to his room with my dad yelling behind him. Yes they argued again. This time is even worst. My dad wanted to disowned him and he curse himself to death. Its strange for me to write this blog telling whole world what was happening to my family. Maybe its stupid but I've lost a person to complain on. That someone that truly understand how it felt like.

I felt useless. And. Alone.

2009-08-13T21:15:00.002+08:00

situation 1 :
when meet during chat room with long lost fren....
Fren: Hey hows life?
ML : erm not so bad, how about u?
Fren : great great... u have FB?
ML : oh yea, add me at ********@****.com
Fren : added....
ML : ok i'll approve now..
Fren : ok
ML : done
Fren : eh.. u seem very "healthy"
ML : yea i know.. i gained weight

Situation 2:
when talk to good friend.....
Fren : hey.. still with tat bank?
ML : yea... still there... stucked.
Fren : c'mon lah.. time to get out!
ML : yea i know...
Fren : oii dun eat so much d! FAT la u...
ML : i've just seen u last week!
Fren : yes.. n getting bigger n bigger...
ML : -_-!!!!!

Situation 3:
when talking to a very very good fren
Fren : KML... diet ahh!!
ML : isit tat obvious? am i tat fat? u jus seen me ytd!!
Fren : yes.. n today u seemes fatter... pls keep la...
ML : wow....
Fren : dun wow.. diet!!!!! else u know u should know how u look like.. how heavy r u?
ML : erm... erm....
Fren : do u wan2 hear more verbal abuse words from me the next time i c u?
ML : no..... no.....
Fren: go exercise... dun eat so much!!
ML : ooook....

Situation 4:
when my dad saw me...
Dad : wow...
ML : what???
Dad : u look a whole lot healthier!!!!!
ML : huh?
Dad :ur tummy showing.... oops... u look bigger now..
ML : shut up!!!!!

sigh!! yea.. tat explained all.....

2009-08-05T21:59:00.003+08:00

another year passed by, no one knew what tomorrow meant... anyone remembered? dont think so...

Sigh, why am i even thinking about it?

oh, i finally found someone...like you two

2009-07-12T22:54:00.003+08:00

I went to a wedding yesterday, well, its not like I did not go for wedding dinner before or something, but this particular wedding dinner, was a memorable one. I have known this person for quite some time, was very close to him, together with another one, I vow to never ever loose them. I met them during uni time, the time of life, the time when I bonded with them, the time I cherished the most, the time that I'll never forget the rest of my life. We was close, real close, the one that you could just call up any hour and brag on and on about someone else, or those that meet up and talked for hourss without feeling tired, those that you could really count on when anything comes up, those that I shall say no one would ever break us up. I know I did not mentioned much about them in my blog, partly because they were never a problem for me, nothing for me to complaint on, but after the wedding, I found myself to not appreciate much about them. They are dear to me, the one that held me up, the one that took care of me, the one that been through with me through the hard times, the one that actually listen to me. I'm happy for him, really, I felt so blessed to see him this blissful, to see him this happy after those rough years he been through, he found the happiness he deserves. Yes, its you guys I'm talking about, Chung-the-great and Sam-the-man, this blog is dedicated to you.

Although we did not see each other as often as last time, you both know, we will always be friends, now and forever.

Although we are busy with other stuff, you both know, nothing could replace both of you in my heart.

I always knew that we are just a phone call away, and don't worry, nothing has changed, although you two had gotten married, the platonic friendship that we had shared will never change. After all we been through, growing up together, we are, friend for life. And I'm really thankful that I finally found someone .. like both of you....

I finally found someone, that knocks me off my feet
I finally found the one, that makes me feel complete
We started over coffee, we started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin

This time it's different, dah dah dah dah
It's all because of you, dah dah dah dah
It's better than it's ever been
'Cause we can talk it through
Oohh, my favorite line was "Can I call you sometime?"
It's all you had to say to take my breath away

(Chorus)
This is it, oh, I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one, to be with every night
'Cause whatever I do, it's just got to be you
My life has just begun
I finally found someone, ooh, someone
I finally found someone, oooh

Did I keep you waiting, I didn't mind
I apologize, baby, that's fine
I would wait forever just to know you were mine
And I love your hair, sure it looks fine
I love what you wear, isn't it the time?
You're exceptional, I can't wait for the rest of my life

My baby....

2009-07-10T01:47:00.003+08:00

Life's been good lately, as bro said I should post something happy in this blog, so here it goes....

Just got home, sleepy, but I just got to post this.

I opened my room, a stack of mail laying on my bed (yes I know, mostly debts) but an envelope caught my attention. I opened it, and it's from my baby! Yes my kid, grown up, healthy and happy.

It happened 3 years ago, and she was a baby then, very cute, remembered the smile in the photo, i felt blessed....

2009-07-03T02:48:00.002+08:00

its 3a.m. , I should be sleeping soundly by now as I have to get to work tom.....

An hour earlier, I was laying wide awake on my bed, suddenly, to my surprise, my phone beeped. Out of sudden, it beeped and the name appeared on my cell phone. It beeped, not rang. a text, from someone, that I wasn't suppose to receive from, someone that wasn't suppose to even remember me. Yes, this is gonna be another emo post, so those that doesn't like feeling blue after reading, please get out of this page.

Never had I thought, a simple text could affect how I felt, how I feel about myself, what a loser I am. A text could just slapped me on my face and tell me what a failure I am. Yes I know, how successful the person is, how happy and blissful both are, how much money this people earned, what a b****** to ruined my night.

I remembered the problem clearly, it arises when that person felt insecurity, and started to back stab me even though we were very good friends and I'm such a fool to not realise it sooner. I remembered well too that I just stood there, doing nothing but to see what a "tut" person step on me and tear me down.

Never had I thought, this person had the guts to text me, in the middle of the night, just to brag on the success it gained, and yes, it succeeded with its intention. I felt like a loser, right now.

2009-06-21T20:53:00.002+08:00

happiness or love?

I've been thinking this for as long as i lived. Should one chose happiness or love? Will there be both? Yes there is, in movie? in drama? or rare case? or its just plain mixture...

To be with someone you are happy with, or to be with someone you really love?

To be the one who loves, or loved in a relationship?

Sometimes, people tend to forget, when they are happy, they tend to think they are in love. Is it true?

Is it really true that someone you are happy with is not the one you are in love with?

2009-06-18T22:27:00.002+08:00

i told someone a lie, and another one another lie, then another 1 the other lie....

why?

m i so afraid of the truth?

o m i so afraid to let everyone know the truth?

i hate to tell everyone the truth, i felt guilty about lying, but i cant help it.

i cant face those pity look on me, i cant have the sympathy words towards me.

i'm me, i'm mayling, and mayling suppose to be strong and pretty life, and happy.

mayling should do the right thing, make the right choice, and lead the life everyone wanted.

what if mayling is not the one everyone thought? what if mayling is the bitch?

will anyone accept her of who she is?

what if she is not strong anymore? what if all she need is someone to lean on?

will she loose those that leaned on her?

every night, i cuddle on my pillow, laying on my bed, i wonder, why cant i jus be those ordinary bitches, that bitches around and gang out to bully the weak ones., be those that jus depend on men and not worried about buying properties and future, be those that just go out for girls night out and forget everything on work, be those that could just lead a simple life and had someone beside me supporting me on whatever i decide....

every night, i hugged my pillow, and i wonder, when will i ever had the chance on hugging someone for real, to spit out my problems and be wiped away after the working hour. Would there be someone to hold me while i m crying and tell me everything is alright?would there be someone that could not get mad at me and still loves me of who i am?

2009-06-07T17:19:00.001+08:00

whether my text is being ignored or genuinely did not arrived. But yea, I think after last night, I don’t think I should continue waiting for a response anymore. It has been what? 8 day?
.

2009-06-06T14:00:00.002+08:00

I was out with different bunch yesterday, went to karaoke dinner buffet with my other colleague celebrating 2 of their brithday.. had a blast! Will upload the photos later.

After the k session, went out with a friend to a club nearby. Had lotsa champagne...

this kept me thinking, so what if u maintain friendship that you thought were friends, when you could enjoy a night out with those not-so-close with you?

decisions....

2009-05-31T00:27:00.002+08:00

life are all about decision, the decision made by others that affects you, decision made by yourself that affects others, decisions done by the gov or some org that caused good or bad to the society and decision made to own selves and affect everyone especially ourselves.

I'm a very indecisive person, I hate to make decision, its because I hate to fail and knowing that I could do better if i decided the other way round after making a decision. I hate the blame that I get when I made the decision I want but does not satisfy others, the feeling of wanting to turn back time and make the right decision is just not.... good.

Honestly, life been balanced. It has its good and its bad at the same time, oh I meant my life. Good when I have more friends around, bad when not all I could open my heart to. Those sort of thing.

I seriously need something new in my life, I know I get bored easily but I felt, life has been going on and on repeating itself that I myself made it as a routine, be it from work, to getting mad at those "ppl", to driving, stuck in jam, meet ppl for lunch,dinner, brunch, movie..... what else can I do in life? I need something new...... and I need to make the decision.... NOW

Finnally, another post

2009-05-05T21:50:00.004+08:00

Its been a while since I've written a post, I know its rather annoying not to reply text, emails and IM. I've been pretty busy lately, with friends wedding to catching ups with others and also with my own stuff. You all must be wondering, own stuff? since when do mayling has own stuff?

Some that sees me in office might asked me, since when did mayling dressed up to work?

People who sees me during shopping meet ups or brunch meet up might ask, since when do mayling care on how she looked like?

Those that seen me after office might wonder, since when do mayling make up?

and others that constantly read my blog will think, since when mayling does not write any blog complaining about life?

I'm pretty much complained about everything, just view my old post, from friends to bitches to family to i dont know, love?

It took only one sentence that one of my good friend told me that strikes me to get out of my nightmare... He told me "You are taking other people wrongdoing to punish yourself" . Never came across my mind that this person would say something and I dont talk back. It just struck me and left me speechless after the conversation. Yes Mr proud-ass you are still like my lil bro, not because of one sentence u enlightened me, doesn't mean you are not who I thought okay... I mean every word I said ... muahahaha

Anyway back to the story, I've been struggling to cope with works, with those pest in the room, with someone I have ambiguous stuff with, with my car, with my weight? yea pretty much everything, I've came to a conclusion that no matter how much I did complain, no matter how angry I am, no matter how I reacted, none of it will ever change, and what I did was only a plain waste of time.

Although I really hate those that acted so childish tat treats the workplace like playground, hate those that take me for granted and step on me wherever they could, hate to be criticized on the way I teach people, hate those that are so selfish and only cares about themselves, hate to be alone and being a fatty, but who cares if I hate? who cares if I am angry? who cares if I am sad? none, in the end, yes, I took other people wrongdoing to punish myself, and I do believe it, I've been punishing myself for so long, and I barely know about it. Why? some say its the anger that blocks my rationale, but deep down I knew, I'm too stubborn to refuse the thought of people disliking me. I hate to think that in this world, there's someone ( a few, maybe) who hates me.

A lot of people would be surprised by this, even mayling could say that? where's the one that debates on and on about other people wrongdoing? where's the one that has so many rationale and talk again and again on people mistakes? Again, everyone will make mistakes, and I'm not saying its okay to make mistakes, but its okay to make mistakes and realize it. It makes me so angry to those that do not admit their own mistakes, that is why I've been complaining on and on about it for the past 2 and half year of my working life. I admit that I've made mistakes, sometimes I'm too stubborn to admit it in front of people's, but deep down I do know what I've done, what I should not do, but then again, what if others is just as stubborn as me?

I guess if this would be a debate, its a pretty hot topic with so many points that everyone might want to raise, but what I'm saying is... yea I've been through, although I might complain again and again in future, I knew deep down, I would not ever let anyone to hurt me anymore, no matter what it is, I'll just complain and get on with it. No more feeling sad over someone else, no more tears for anger that those caused, no matter what it is, I knew, I have to really take care of myself, and not let anyone to hurt me anymore.

People write to taste life twice, I write to remind myself to be wise?

2009-05-03T22:08:00.004+08:00

Yea, its bonus time, its time for me to upload what I've got for myself.. not to show off, just to share.. not to say I have fat bonuses, but when other people get bonus, they tend to be a lil bit generous....

people who know me knew I doesn't fancy coach, but i got this from my dad!!! hehe..... how cool is my dad huh?

Got this for my mum, but she said its too small... so she swapped this for my bigger ones... smart chooser....

This is for myself...I've always wanted to buy a wallet..... so there goes my $$$$$

Save the best for last, I adore this one......... its like my dream come true.. not as close as a birkin though

C H O C O L A T E

2009-04-28T22:39:00.003+08:00

yea, I'm addicted to it. Maybe its the sweet tooth, maybe its a comfort food, maybe its the anti-depressant thingy. Yea, I'm stressed, yes I'm alone, yes I will b fat if I continue to consume it everyday, and then I'll get more depress? argghhh screw it!! I love it, I will contnue to consume it everyday ( its running out!!!!!) and yes again, I'm addicted to it.

2009-04-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

To guy : "You are a fair-weather friend! As long as the girl is sweet and loving , you are here for me, but as soon as I am not, you walk right out of the door. I dont need you to say anything, I just need you to hold me and let me feel that you really cares"

He: "She just needed me to go over and hold her, as long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she's unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself"

2009-03-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

"I think letting you go was the smartest decision I ever made. Even though I loved you so much, I just couldn't dealt with the pain. And, the times we spent together, were the best times of my life. But no matter how much I wanted to keep you in my arms, I couldn't. I couldn't hold on to you, knowing that all you were going to do was hurt me. But right now, even though I still love you, I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to complete me. I just need you to comfort me when I'm sad, support me, and listen to me when I talk. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm glad to see both of you, I'm glad we're over. I'm glad I've let go."

2009-02-08T20:54:00.003+08:00

As I walked in a shopping center, Chinese New Year deco is still hanging around, yet the red deco somewhat reminded me that Valentine is somewhere near. Yes, it is, tomorrow would be Chinese Valentine, and next Saturday would be "the" Valentine. This year would be the second year for me to go through with the roses, chocolates, candlelit dinner, alone. Surprisingly, this year I did not brag around not getting flower, or not having someone special to spend time with, plus this year, I did not search for entertainment all day long avoiding myself with the lovey dovey crowds, yet I think I am starting to get used to deal with it, and I would not plan anything on that particular day, and just go on with whatever comes. To everyone, Happy Chinese New Year and have a blissful Valentine's Day.

voluptuous

2009-01-31T21:13:00.003+08:00

She's young, only sixteen. Petite, a lil bit curvy. dressing.. erm... cool with her age. We first met, and she was shy, she just nod, and smile...... erm.... smile showing her teeth, misplaced of 4 front tooth but she was ok, a bit shy, but friendly. When we sat on a round table to have our meal, she practically gobbled each and every meat showing her teeth. I finally couldn't stand it and asked my uncle, what did my brother see in her. And he answered the title of this entry, "voluptuous".

*just an entertainment for CNY.. hehe

Memoirs of 2 0 0 8

2009-01-01T18:00:00.006+08:00

Brand new year, brand new start.... its time to flash back what I've done for the past year... either to remind myself, to keep it as memories, or to learn from it......

I remember, I starts my year 2008 with counting down with my two good long lost friends, we had fun the night, had alot of laughter and i welcome 2008 with jokes, screams and laugh... eagerly welcoming 2008 with hopes, dreams and more hope. Wishing 2008 will bring me more than what I want, and gave me more memories to keep for life.

Beginning of 2008, I had 2 close colleague, which I eaten, laughed, shopped, played, club-ed, danced and do almost everything together. They've helped to come through the hardest time, yet towards the second months, soon a group of 3 became 4 as I pulled another into the group and yea, we had fun but it lasted for only 2 months, and I was torn apart from them, partly because people's said 4 is a crowd was true, partly because I couldn't click with them anymore, and yea partly because of my ego.. must be my ego.... My heart hurts alot when it happened, as I thought what we had shared is something more than hangout friend, I did believe that we are sincerely true friends, but well, it has proven me the second time, I had some attitude problem.
Lesson to learn: be more humble... throw away egoistic attitude

When I glanced again, the past year, was not a good one for me. I've met numerous time of accident, was at the lowest point of my life, there was someone else, that someone that helped me through the police report and transportation for me to commute to and from work. We had some good time, some memories yet was drifted apart after a while, although our time is short, but I really am grateful for everything happened, and at least after so long, we had taste some that we had longed to taste, although it did not work, we had our memory. Its also proven now, its the best for both of us....

Then I met another bunch of colleague, I've gained extra good friend, and there formed a so called "5 sekawan" which I hoped I would never pissed them off with my egoistic attitude? but maybe they was matured enough to handle me haha... yea it makes my life in office not so horrible, at least something for me to look forward to everyday. Thanks for the friendship, the support, and also the drinking just to release my stress from failing examsssss....

As I've mentioned earlier, one of the worst thing happened to me is failing my exam... I've underestimated a person, and I've been knocked down HARD, T W I C E
Lesson to learn: Never underestimate anyone.... A N Y O N E

Sam-antha got married last year, her founding the other half was truly something to celebrate. The first from our 4-S to get married, and the rest of us are very happy for her. Hoping more to come soon, and I know, I HAVE TO find an A to join your 3-A partner soon. On another hand, he got married as well, seeing him in a blissful state, makes me smile more when I looked back last year, and hope another of us will soon walked down the aisle next year smoothly. Wish them the best of luck!

Last year, I met another person, a person that reminds me of someone else, a person that I could just clicked, and a person that truly be by my side. I thank that some1 for the great time, thanks for the support, and hope we will be friend for life.

I've met different type of people last year, I did go out more with different people, to know extra friend, maybe I thought I could find more true friends, and I'm still working on it. Although I've been putting myself in a busy situation, keeping me busy with outings, and works, somehow, I couldn't get myself to not think on something happen to me end of previous year which is 2007. I still struggled after a year, my heart is still broken, although there's hope for it now, I don't seem to want him back, yet my heart couldn't accept a new one either. Partly also, "third party" word is too much for me. Staying single throughout the year had taught me to be extra careful, fully independent, and tough to face every obstacle happen. Although last year was filled with alot of tears, yet I think I've grown up, to be someone I used to be, to be who I am, and not someone that others wants me to. Last year, was a year that I have never go through a day without tears, insomnia, heartache and headache yet it was a year of full of lesson. A year that teaches me to not be egoistic, to be matured, to be independent, to be patient, to handle stress, to handle work politics, learned to appreciates my family, learned to appreciates everything around me, to not be afraid to be who I am, to not takes things for granted, and proves to me that I'm not smart at all. Last year has slapped me and woke me up from my schooling time, and face with real life, with professional paper standard. I hoped I would not repeat the mistakes I've done last year, and also learned the lesson enough to change me to a better person. Although I missed being someone that has another person to pamper, someone that could depend on someone else without using my own brain, someone that could care less of what other thinks about me, someone that don't give a damn and called those that could not handle my attitude to be CHILDISH, someone that blames others for own mistakes, but I knew, being in the cruel adult world, every single darn thing that is wrong with own life is own mistakes, they might be childish but its me that cant handle chidishness, I shall not blame others on how they treat me, I shall blame myself, and shall learn from it. I will handle it matured-ly, and in a professional way.

This year I shall pry myself to fully utilize everything I've learned last year, and pray that this year to be a great one!

New Year Resolution

2009-01-01T02:17:00.005+08:00

Okay I know I did not write the annual pass yr thingy, but I've jus came back from the countdown, it makes me think..... hmm.. i shall start new year resolution... to achieve the things I have to achieve this year.....

1) Try to get out from BTMU

2) Try to find someone to spend special occassion with

3) Try to stay away from my BFF this year a.k.a tears

4) Try not to let someone to affect my emotion

5) Try to go on DIEt!

6) Try to laugh more... from the heart

7) Try not to strangle the princess when facing its fake-ness

8) Try to be professional while dealing with "those"

9) Try to change my car!

10) Try to exercise more!

11) Try to sleep more.....

12) Try to not to stress myself that much

13) Try to finish the book titled Currency Wars

14) Try to get another A to join the 3-A partner

15) Try to be friend with colleague while stuck there

16) Try to be more friendly and make more friend

17) Try to be more humble work wise

18) Try to get my ASS out of BTMU......

Happy New Year everyone!!~~

**green = more hope

2008-12-27T16:58:00.003+08:00

"People write to taste life twice"

I've been viewing my own past entries, re-posting another entry which I thought it fits what I am thinking perfectly. I saw my entries, there's angry ones, the sweet ones, the frustrated ones, the thank-you ones, the appreciates-girt ones, the hate ones, and yea the friendship ones.

As what I have mentioned up there, peoples writes to taste life twice, and I felt its true, because all the past entries, I'm so glad that I had it written, I get to taste it again when I read it. Someone told me, my blog are not the same anymore, more realistic words, and I've lost my style of blogging.

As the year end approaches, I'll start the usual annual blog that reflects what I done, what I've NOT done, what I regretted, what I've NOT regretted again soon....

RE-POST: Hate god-d*** it

2008-12-27T16:22:00.001+08:00

i know i had to grow up n be two faced ppl, i know i had to learn how to use ppl, i know i had to have strong determination to hit others fall flat on the floor even though they r my best fren, i know i had to b cruel, i know i had to live with it, n i know i had to move on...

i admit that i m naive, am innocent yet fake in front of ppl, am fake yet truthful in watever i done, am truthful yet ignorant, am ignorant yet carin, am caring yet arogant.. i admit that i had make mistakes, mistakes that i always made but had no chance o jus dun care to made up for it, the attitude i should change, attitude that makes not oni ppl around me but everyone who knows me get annoyed, attitude that i dun intend to give ppl the negative intention, intention that i failed to deliver positively yet received by receiver negatively, receiver that loves me for who am i at 1st yet hate me for wat they loved me las time.....

i hate to b fake, i hate to b two faced ppl, i hate to b the bitch talking ppl back to get even when i know bitching ppl back is the thing i hate the most, i hate to b the one who complains about those who once used to b my best fren when i know i should make love not war, i hate to live with it when i know i could bare with it, i hate to b cruel when i know i shouldnt b treating ppl like this, i hate to b nice to ppl jus to use them for my own good when i know i hate ppl to treat me good for their own good, i hate to treat ppl unfairly jus to get my fair when i know i should b fair to everyone, i hate to do something illegally o legally jus to get even with some1 when i know i should b nicer to them, i hate to hit ppl flat on their face when i know i should seek my mistakes n correct it, i hate ppl get on my nerves when i know i should b more patient, i hate to be an ADULT!

i missed the one innocent girl, that young naive girl, lovely charming and happy-go-lucky girl i once to be.. the one when everyone wanted to b my fren, the true fren not the fake ones, the one i had back then, the one who jus tell me what the hell wrong with me n demand me to correct it instead of bitching me around my back, the one who cries when i cried n laugh when i laughed o shout when i shouted, the one who took my hand n tells me everything will jsu b ok listing all my mistakes out n what should i do nex, the one who jus wont listen to anybody anything about me n trust me of who i am, the one who believe in me n supports me in everything i do, the one who doesnt get even with me n asking everyone else to against me, the one who looks me up for who i am....

i strived hard to change the things that i should change, i strived hard to avoid things that i know i hate ppl doin it to me, i stived hard to b the best i could yet i failed not oni once now but i m sure much more to come... i m no perfect but at least i strived hard to be.. i know i annoyed ppl, i know i made ppl hate me, yes i admit.. no matter who m i everyone's gotta have enemy.. i cant b miss goody two shoes where i side both place o side either place coz i m neutral! i know in this world ppl r realistic n yes i admit i m too naive to b in that world n theres more to come yet for me to learn... at least for now i know i had to learn to stand up for myself.... yes i know what i should do but i m helpless to do it... its the inner strength that makes and asks me to b good, to b naive, to b true, to b the 1 i used to b....

2008-12-25T19:15:00.002+08:00

Hi all, most of you all must be thinking that I am too busy to update this blog. Well partly yes, bt partly I knew when I started to write blog, it would be an emo entry. Although i had a blast last week, having everyone to celebrate my birthday with me. Thanks for everyone, those text, those outing, those dinner, those presents, those choco's, those flowers, thanks alot! I'm really surprised that those I did not contact at all remembers my big day. Thanks....

2008-12-13T11:36:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
'Cause it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

The game is on agein
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

I really like this song, maybe because it resembles what I am now, be it to an ex, or to my "dear" colleague, I am tired, when all said and done, I am off. No more fighting for my rights, because the winner takes it all......

When you are a loser, admit it, its much easier than asking others to admit.

D R E A M B A G

2008-12-03T20:00:00.003+08:00

Okay I did not include this on the wish list, needless to state the reason... and needless to introduce

I like the Crocs one better... but I like it in white colour.... cant find a picture of it...

Dun rally like this material but I like the colour!!

Okay look how Posh can be so "posh"? Oh gosh, sh must;v the whole collection!!

Wish List !!!!!!

2008-12-02T18:07:00.005+08:00

Okay, okay, since I am finding ways to de-stress, I'll put up my wish list, since everyone been asking what I want for my big day, what I need, what I expects to have.... SO here it goes.. dont blame me for not giving you idea okay...

Tiffany 1837 Circles Pendant
Paloma Picasson Loving Heart Ring

Elsa Peretti Open Heart PendantJoy Large Hobo White - Gucci

Okay this abit off, coz I dun really like LV but I need a wallet!! LV Damier Brazza Wallet

Stella McCartney Charm shoulders Bag

Been wanting to get this, Cole Haan Triangle Tote

Okay for the lower range............ as everyone know me, its always the thought that counts

W A R

2008-12-01T00:35:00.002+08:00

I was viewing some of my friends blog, and I found out some horrible people out there could even start a hate blog on her. I know this friend of mine for over 17 years? although we have seperated after primary school time, and did not get in touch with her, but being with her for the past 7 years being classmates and also quite a good friend back then, I knew she is the person that speaks what in her heart, and is sincere in every friendship. I've known her for her good heart, and also her character that ones never forgets about her. I think its horrible for someone to do that to her. Its amazing how educated people could ever do something just to hurt someone feeling, or worst someone's self esteem. But she handles it well, she is not bothered at all, her usual way, very positive girl.

On a separate issue, I was talking to another person, yea that someone, he was having a hard time in his working place, backstabbing, sabotaging reputations, lie and mostly politics conquer not only his offices but includes the HR where certain someone has connection with the HR sort of thing. He as usual, is protective of himself, well...what can I say, he will always be him. The one that does not need anyone to support him, he has his own family that supports him which is enough for him, he has his own thinking which he thinks is always correct, he has his own way which no one could stand in his way, he has his own revenge which he always thinks is perfect.

What I am trying to say is, why continue the hate when you are hatred? why continue the war when someone started the war? why do the things that you hate someone doing to you? I was wondering, when will this end if someone's continue their enemy work? Why cant everyone just appreciate what they had, and do the best of it? Learn to love yourself, learn to love people around you and learn to appreciate those that hate you. I appreciate those that done bad in my life, thank them for giving the chance to learn at this young age, thank them for not giving me an easy time to go through, thank them for the lesson learned, thank them for the obstacles happen, learn to appreciate it, try not to go revenge, use the energy to learn from the mistakes instead. Pry not to repeat it, and learn how to loves them. As I always said, hate is not the opposite of love, its being indifferent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu9FPb-TZuk --> have a look at these and learn people!

> > MAYBE

2008-11-30T00:20:00.002+08:00

> > Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the
> > wrong people before meeting the right
> > one so that, when we finally meet the
> > right person, we will know how to be
> > grateful for that gift.
> >
> > Maybe . . . when the door of happiness
> > closes, another opens; but, often
> > times, we look so long at the closed
> > door that we don't even see the new
> > one which has been opened for us.
> >
> > Maybe . . . it is true that we don't
> > know what we have until we lose it,
> > but it is also true that we don't know
> > what we have been missing until it
> > arrives.
> >
> > Maybe . . . the happiest of people
> > don't necessarily have the best of
> > everything; they just make the most of
> > everything that comes along their way.
> >
> > Maybe . . . the brightest future will
> > always be based on a forgotten past;
> > after all, you can't go on
> > successfully in life until you let go
> > of your past mistakes, failures and
> > heartaches.
> >
> > Maybe . . . you should dream what you
> > want to dream; go where you want to
> > go, be what you want to be, because
> > you have only one life and one chance
> > to do all the things you dream of, and
> > want to do.
> >
> > Maybe . . . there are moments in life
> > when you miss someone -- a parent, a
> > spouse, a friend, a child -- so much
> > that you just want to pick them from
> > your dreams and hug them for real, so
> > that once they are around you
> > appreciate them more.
> >
> > Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is
> > the kind you can sit on a porch and
> > swing with, never say a word, and then
> > walk away feeling like it was the best
> > conversation you've ever had.
> >
> > Maybe . . you should always try to put
> > yourself in others' shoes. If you feel
> > that something could hurt you, it
> > probably will hurt the other person,
> > too.
> >
> > Maybe . . you should do something nice
> > for someone every single day, even if
> > it is simply to leave them alone.
> >
> > Maybe . giving someone all your love
> > is never an assurance that they will
> > love you back. Don't expect love in
> > return; just wait for it to grow in
> > their heart; but, if it doesn't, be
> > content that it grew in yours.
> >
> > Maybe . . . happiness waits for all
> > those who cry, all those who hurt, all
> > those who have searched, and all those
> > who have tried, for only they can
> > appreciate the importance of all the
> > people who have touched their lives.
> >
> > Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for
> > looks; they can deceive; don't go for
> > wealth; even that fades away. Go for
> > someone who makes you smile, because
> > it takes only a smile to make a dark
> > day seem bright. Find the one that
> > makes your heart smile.
> >
> > Maybe . . you should hope for enough
> > happiness to make you sweet, enough
> > trials to make you strong, enough
> > sorrow to keep you human, and enough
> > hope to make you happy
> >
> > Maybe . . . you should try to live
> > your life to the fullest because when
> > you were born, you were crying and
> > everyone around you was smiling but
> > when you die, you can be the one who
> > is smiling and everyone around you
> > crying.

D E N T I S T

2008-11-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

yes I am gonna blog about my hell dentist visit... and more to come....

the word dentist is enough to spell pain in everyone mouth, specifically the teeth. and I've always hated to go there, despite the painful annual check-ups, I have to visits my this new BFF soon, which is this weekend for the third time ( soon enough?). Did i mentioned more to come? its not a one thing off just like normal annual checkups, but the one that requires you to come back again and again to do different procedures.

Root canal, this is what they called. its where the extracts the root of your tooth with gigantic needles, few jabs, few driller, few anit-biotics... did i mention the pain? and for me, its not one , but two tooth at the same time. I felt half of my mouth numb, and the numbness lasted half the day, at the same time, feeling the pain of god knows what she done with my tooth.

needless to say, it spoils the whole day, followed with the temporary fillings, that makes my mouth smells like dentist... or dental care product? gosh i bet everyone knows what a dentist taste like rite? hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but i could still taste that filling until now. i doubt there wil be a good day ahead tomorrow. happy working people!

2008-11-25T09:26:00.002+08:00

Saw my previous entry.. kinda emo rite? well, i've removed the lyrics... its making my blog even more emo. I did not intend to put lyrics to describe how I felt... jus felt the song jus arise when I write the blog. Oh gish, its been quite a long time since I've written sth like that, maybe its jus me. Life been treating me good lately, with u-know-who-u-are dropped by to jus say hi and a big hug! I need that!! still dunwan me to put ur name up huh? haha, i'm cool with it. anyway thanks for everything, thanks for the souvenir, for the courage words, the blessing, the card.... the... everything!! I know lotsa ppl supporting me, and praying that i get through it this time... i will try my best.. AGAIN

Isn't it a wonder?

2008-11-21T21:54:00.004+08:00

I was driving, and as usual, friends all around would call up because everyone stuck in jam after work... so me and a few friends used to call each other to update and also just to pass our time while v r stuck in jam... I guess this is what most of us do rite?

So happen, while I was driving yesterday, someone called up, getting updates from my precious bro, about someone. That friend told me about someone, told me what happened, and to be honest, the news wasn't new to me, but I was struck that someone could actually be honest to my precious bro. Yea, if that "precious bro" read about this, he would be fell to floor and rolling laughing. Both of them asked me, what would I do? I casually told them, its not possible, although I do not know what future holds, but for now, I don't think it will work. After having the conversation, I reached home, did not study for the day, but fell to bed, and tears started to roll down my cheek... I do not know why, but after a period of time of stop thinking about that someone, and a period of enjoying myself with others, I thought I was through, but I just do not know why, but my heart ached, and tears came back. Memories came back, and I do not know what it meant, but it sure mean something more than history. I turned on the radio, as I could not sleep, and "the" song came up, its just some coincident, but it brought back the stuff I've long to think. Sometimes, I wonder, I;ve written stuff about not knowing what other's thinking about, but, even myself, does not know what my hearts is thinking about.

It's the sign of the times, girl
Sad songs on the radio
It's the sign of the times, girl
As the leaves begin to go
But all these signs now,
showing on my face
Proving me wrong, taking it's place

And I pray to God
That there's more that we can do, yeah
And I pray to God
That there's more that we can show
More that we can do, yeah

Isn't It a Wonder
as a newborn baby cries
And isn't it a wonder
with the sweetness in my eyes
and isn't it a wonder
at the crossroads of my life
Isn't it a wonder?
Isn't it a wonder, to me?

It's the way of the world when,
Wrong takes hold of right
It's the way of the world
In which we've all lost sight
But isn't this world
Too simple to be true?
Holding on to memories of you

And I pray to God
That there's more that we can do, yeah
And I pray to God
That there's more that we can show
More that we can do, yeah

CHORUS

That I can see, a change in me
But I won't look back
Cos that's behind me
And after all,
Strong words are spoken
My heart will never be, never be
Never be broken...

CHORUS

That I can see, a change in me
But I won't look back
Cos that's behind me
And after all
Strong words are spoken
My heart will never be, never be
Never be broken

I told myself, to go through life happily, not thinking much about those uncertainties and cherish the moment... oh god, give me a reason, I'm down on my bended knees......

2008-11-18T21:24:00.000+08:00

I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
And how your scent lingers even when your not there

And I like the way your eyes dance when you laugh
And how you enjoy your two hour bath
And how you convinced me to dance in the rain
With everyone watching like we were insane

But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me

I like to imitate old jerry lee
And watch you roll your eyes when I'm slightly off key
And I like the innocent way that you cry
At sappy old movies you've seen hundreds of times

But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me

And I could list a million things
I love to like about you
But they all come down to one reason
I could never live without you

I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me
Oh baby I love the way you love me

2008-11-08T19:45:00.004+08:00

Last weekend, I went for a buffet, with someone, to just release myself. I remembered, it was a busy day, with tight schedule, and I don't have the time to think of those negative stuff. As I was busily and happily munching away with those food, someone tapped on my shoulder. I met someone, someone that I did not seen for quite some time, someone that I almost forgotten, and someone that almost slipped my mind. After a quick hi-bye, and some promise to keep in touch, never came across my mind, that someone texted me the next day. After a few text-es, we were like old friends again, just like the old days. Something that someone told me, which I believe was true, and it makes me think, why is this? He told me, when he first saw me at the buffet, he could not recognize me, he said, he saw someone that laughed and smile like me, but there's no sparks in my eyes, the confident may ling is not there. He thought quite a long time to tap my shoulder and said hi to me, and he did not see the same may ling that he used to know. Without telling him anything, he knew something was wrong when he first saw me. I told him, everything from work to friends to relationship to family, blabbed everything out, and I myself too agreed with him. I've lost all my confident, be it in my work, to study to everything I used to do. He told me, although I'm not so tough in the past, and I've been through alot, yet when everyone sees me, and looked into my eyes, there's a spark, a sparks that shows a sense of humanity, a sense of self esteem, a sense of confident. He said, I always knew what I wanted, what I need, and will make sure I get what I want to get. "You are a competitor, you are the one that command, you are the bull, no matter you are the winner or the loser, you will make sure you stand tall and proud of yourself". Where am I?

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.....

2008-10-25T15:04:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, i typed a text message, sent it to multiple person, to those that I promised. Its not a long typed text, only ONE word to describe. I did not say further, I did not mentioned more.

After the text, I did not talk, did not sleep, did not eat and surprisingly did not cry. I knew, most of you all will be worried, especially when anyone called and I did not answer, anyone text-ed me and I did not reply and most of all, if I did not update here I think most of you will catch the next plane to find me. I knew you all are worried, but dont worry, I will be okay. Who would think I am not ok? I am always tough, and I will be tough. I just need to blow some steam away. I knew this time, I am different, I did not go for shopping spree, I did not go out clubbing or drinking, I did not talk to anyone, I did not have a food spree, I did not sleep and I just do not know what I want to do. My brain is dead, I couldn't be that rational this time. I'm sorry.....

accident

2008-09-09T21:30:00.002+08:00

Yes, I had another accident today, I was stuck in a jam morning, and suddenly boom! the motorcycle hit the back of my car. I was furious! but I do not dare to even open my door and come down to see how was it. The motorcyclist ran off and I knew I could not do anything in the middle of jam. I was stopped at the moment, and yes I am angry. After reaching my office carpark, I went around to see what damage has caused. My car back lamp broke, I was very angry, until I saw a few sparks of blood I was stunned. Yes I complained to most of my close colleague, with the cost of Honda Malaysia gave me about a thousand, I was even devastated with my financial situation. But with the blood stains on my car, I felt a pinch of pity to the guy who knocked my car, I really hope he will be alright. Until things came positively, with my friend could get me a 10 times cheaper price, my dad to mend the lamp temporarily in order to not let any water goes in and a satisfying meal with my parents, I came to see, this ain't that bad. My parents are there to support me, and now I viewed my accident with a smile.

2008-09-08T21:37:00.003+08:00

Today i have a sudden urge to blog, no, not because that I'm sad, but its the other way round. No specific things happened, no special occasion. It unbelievable though, that I somehow, was clear of my road, my path, and to know what to do. Maybe the mist has been blown away, showing me clearly with sunshine, and only bird's song soothed my ear. I have not been moody lately, no waking up feeling crappy, no dragging myself to work, no complaint. Its not like the day blossom so beautifully that everyone is smiling at me, or every food tasted good, its just that me, I felt I had finally let things off, and not look everything so negatively. Yea, some of you knows why, undeniably, part of it, its about that, I'm really relieved it finally solved, yet part of me, felt some peace, and good things started to come. Maybe the rainy day has yet to be over, but I'm here looking everything positively, with hopes and dreams, also with some guidance, I felt satisfied with my life now, and I end my day with a smile on my face, hoping better things to come the next day. Dreams stopped coming true if you stopped dreaming, hope never came, when you did not try, and smile, you will never know who will fell for your smile. Thanks everyone for being there, to stand by me, to hold me up when I fell, although there are more to come, but this had made me stronger, I could not thank you guys enough, you-know-who-you-are, thanks! No matter what happen, I'll be there for you all, thanks for everything, it meant alot to me.

emo

2008-08-17T15:57:00.002+08:00

i m feeling abit emo now. kind of frustrated with those that takes their time, those that dont care, those that gave up, those that thinks they are better than anyone..... kind of.

i'm sick of protecting myself, sick of taking care of everything, sick of pleasing everyone, sick of being in life. i'm tired, strained, exhausted and sick. too many things in life now, i hoped at least one thing solved, at least i do not need to take care of one thing and focused on others. i do not know how or why, but i m tired of everything. can someone just take care of me? does miracle happen?

help.........................................................................................

a gift...

2008-08-12T22:02:00.004+08:00

i was on leave today... n i got a surprise... from someone sensitive enough to cheer me up on remembrance of today's date. lotsa ppl know what today meant, and what happened exactly one year ago, and this person, i dedicate this blog to u... yes, it really cheer me up!

woohoo!!! bangkok!!

2008-08-12T20:59:00.002+08:00

4days 3 night, 3 people, 2 girls 1 guy, and a fantastic trip!! i'm broke, but it was pleasant and lotsa shopping, lotsa photo taking, lotsa fun!! i miss bangkok already!! let the photos do the talking again.... i loves the hotel v stayed... its so cool! the photos r abit messy.... but i took alot of time to upload it... so enjoy......

@ grand palace

v went for a boat ride!!
The courtyard of our hotel....
the view from the boat ride...moon romance cocktail @sky bar

sky bar view.. it was 60 storey's high

statue @ grand palace

getting ready to sky bar...

the hotel toilet!!

the sky bar view.....

the hotel bar.. where v got our welcome drink!!

old tuk tuk

modern version one!

hotel lobby

the hotel hall

the swimming pool....

melakaaaaa.....

2008-08-06T22:28:00.005+08:00

ok, 8 of us, went melaka last week saturday for a food spree.... but v end up walking more than v eat!! i miss the outing... v had so much fun.. let the photo's do the talking...

Backlane La La
Somewhere....... in A FAmosa
Eye of Melaka

am i cruel?

2008-07-22T22:14:00.002+08:00

i rejected her again, despite from the sad story she poured out, i just wasn't convinced that its true, coz she lied to me, too many times, and i'm surprised that i'm immune to it. i did not know why she called me, i am reluctant to listen to her call, i did not know whether its true or not, i just did not know whether its worth it to help her, coz i've been through too many times, those lies, makes me jus immune and i felt myself cruel, after rejecting her again. its not a big amount, its not a big favor, yet i refused to help, its not about the amount, its not about the favor, yet its about the way she treated her so-called friend, including me. wherever she has a boyfriend, or has money, she would not even call, but, when everything is gone, my phone will starts ringing, to ask for yamcha session, and it will end on the help. its even worse now, when i just said hello, she blab on her purpose, maybe i and her are too close once last time, and now i am the one that refused to help me. am i cruel? is it me?

something to brightened up my blog....

2008-07-16T21:16:00.001+08:00

latest obsession.... latest collection

remember...

2008-07-14T11:25:00.002+08:00

i remember.... laughing out loud a year ago
i remember... holding hands and run away together
i remember... we had a group hug that shouts "friends forever"
i remember... the numerous night we were out
i remember.... laughing from the bottom of my heart
i remember.... every problems has a solution
i remember.... wherever i'm alone, there's someone willingly to be there... anyone...
i remember.... life's not this tough
i remember... i used to be the winner....
i remember.... i never loose in anything
i remember.... that what i had in mind is always wise
i remember.... everyone knew me for me.....
i remember.... everyone likes me for me...
i remember.... waking up with a smile
i remember.... how i used to actually like to go to work
i remember.... i never had a reason not to go to work
i remember.... life was perfect.

what goes wrong?or shall i say.. what is right now?

failed

2008-06-29T23:32:00.002+08:00

it started with a bright sunny day where the bird are singing whatever song that soothes everyone ears... and it happened an earthquakes... the one that changed my life drastically with two person to alone.. i get through it with helps of friends, new-found friends that stick to me through the downs... then it started to rain, tearing us, from friends to enemy, to a series of storms... accidents that caused thousands... i thought i'm through... yet... tsunami came.... that drown me and i wish i never wake up to face the truth. i thought everything is over, i fell, again and again, with those cuts in my heart, i just felt that it rather empty instead of a broken heart. maybe i'm numb of the pain, or i'm still in denial, i just could not pretend nothing happened, pretends everything is okay. i am not ok, i am not good, i am not feeling well, i am not tough, i am not perfect.

i hate it when everyone has high hopes in me, and i just slap them back with failures. i failed not once, not twice, i am not only fall down, but i fell hard.

2008-06-28T19:30:00.002+08:00

i braved myself to go to the page, and clicked on the list of graduates. i told myself, it will be alright, i need to accept the truth. yet, a wave of disappointment flushed me, and i knew, i myself still in denial of the big failure, and i could not still accept the truth. the face of disappointment of my boss who told me, those that stood by me, and those that cared, flashed through my mind, and i just could not control myself, i think i am going to loose my mind.

stolen from someone blog

2008-06-15T22:29:00.000+08:00

Success - "knowing the right people," "being in the right place at the right time," and "using the right tools" - by Anthony Robbins

Your career is not everything; your life is .

1) You are always on your own. Even if you work for a big company, you will always be on your own. Companies aren't people. They're things and they don't have feelings. If you are expecting the company to "take care of you" or "do the right thing", you'll be often disappointed. There are no strong bonds in a company. No one cares more about your career than you do. Remember that, and don't expect the company to take care of you.

2) Certain jobs fit certain people best . You do have special gifts that fit you for some, disqualify you for others. Take time to assess your skills, temperament and aptitude in depth.

3) Careers are short-term. Your present job can end anytime, even if you own the company! Therefore, think short term. Don't take your present career for granted. Someone once described a consultant as a person who wakes up every morning unemployed. You should feel the same way. Wake up every morning feeling unemployed so that you'll appreciate your present job more and figure out what you're going to do next. Always have a "Plan B." (No kidding!!)

4) It's more important to be a "people person" than an " achievement-oriented person" who always win at the cost of others. People skills are more important than technical skills. Even in technical jobs, you have to deal with someone. The average performer who are easier to get along with last longer in his job.

5) What you accomplish today will be your calling card tomorrow. Your accomplishments will determine your marketability. In marketing yourself, it's the results that count. A soccer forward who scores in every game is easier to market than one who doesn't. So make sure you're contributing something substantial and measurable every day. And make sure you keep a written record of your results, in case you forget!

6) Changing fields, industries, and functional specialties is difficult. The more difficult it is, the bigger the change will be. Therefore, choose your career path carefully. As management expert Peter Drucker says, "The best way to predict the future is to plan it."

7) If you're fired or laid off, don't sue your former employer. Ask yourself why you didn't see it coming; or if you did see it coming. Ask yourself why you didn't do something about it. Figure out your part in causing the problem. Then set about creating a new, better life for yourself. There is a better life in your future.

8) Don't stay in a job you hate. Hating your job can kill you.

9) Success is difficult. If success were easy, everyone would be successful.

10) You are in full control of your own future. No one can deny you a happy life if you decide to plan it and work for it. No one can stop you from becoming successful, but yourself.

11) It's never too late for a new beginning.

12 ) Align yourself with winners. Hang around with winners. Success really does rub off from others. "If you keep doing what you have always been doing, you're going to get what you've always gotten"

my first time...

2008-06-01T20:07:00.004+08:00

hi all, its weekend, and I just dunwan to spoil mood around by bragging about works.. so.. i'm gonna introduce my latest hobby!! haha... its my first time, but i felt happy with it.. i can imagine every morning i woke up and saw this...

it will make my day.. as everyone know.. i have a soft spot for flowers... i really likes it.

happy mothers day

2008-05-11T21:56:00.004+08:00

went for a celebration at the windmill, had a great dinner, with great family... and also.. a great bill.... but its okay, mum, u r the best!

they gave us complimentary gift too!

Happy mothers day....

emo entry, anyone dislike feeling blue, then pls dun read

2008-05-08T22:02:00.002+08:00

today after having a talk with seniors, suddenly i felt a slap on my face, yes right on my face. it makes me think back, and also wondered why am i here? i flashed back to what i have now, i figured out, what i had now, it is all from my parents, the luxury, the comfort, and who i am. everything that i had, everything that i am, is provided by them, and only them are the only one that treats me as a human being. despite that, i had nothing, no friends, no career, no life. it really makes me really felt, that i'm nothing but a failure

2008-05-04T20:42:00.003+08:00

me: "I'm having exam this weekend"
ppl: "have u studied?"
he : "did u know how to get there?"

me: "I'm exhausted!"
ppl: "Rest a while only continue study lor"
he buys me an ice cream.

me: "sien!"
ppl: "why so sien, at home too much isit?"
he came

me: "i'm too lazy to drive"
ppl: "next time then"
he.. i never said have to say it

me: "my heel broken"
ppl: "u mean u broke ur high heels? wahahaha u too heavy isit?"
he : "tomolo 12pm will reach ur house"

me: "i'm so sleepy!"
ppl: "rest first lor.. later only continue"
he : "wake u up an hour later"

me: "no no, i'll take lrt, pai seh la"
ppl: "ok ok, be careful"
he : "shut up and wait me there"

its no joke, some people will think this is funny, but i did not, and i hated those that laughed deep inside me... why? because there's no him in my life..........

Treasure the one you care...

2008-04-27T21:07:00.003+08:00

I've just got the news, from unexpected person, and i was stunned. A good friend of mine sister passed away due to accident yesterday morning. I was speechless, and stunned, a sudden urge for me to to remind everyone else, to treasure those they've cared, not only your lovers but also people that actually cared about you, and people that you cared, people's that you have known your life for, people that make differences in your life. I saw her a few times, she was beautiful, a very cheerful girl, and a girl that her family is proud of. I felt sorry for this particular friends, although we did not contact much, but when we do, we will hangout like close friends. Maybe this is what true friends was, and I wasn't there for him, and I was unknown to this incident. Maybe I'm too busy to care, also maybe I couldnt be reached at this point of time, because of exam, I've been isolating everyone just to get some peace in mind. I'm sorry that I couldn't help, sorry for everything that happened, sorry for not being there. I really hope he would be strong, to face this difficulties, and this blog is dedicated to his beloved sister, Melissa Tjen. *may you rest in peace*

a dinner... meaningful one..

2008-04-25T23:07:00.002+08:00

i had a dinner with one of my close colleague, we had a nice one, i had a great one. through the dinner we updated each other, despite from my hectic work and breakdowns, also exams, and she was a lil bit busy over there. So i manage to had a dinner with her, stealing her time off from her bf, me stealing a day off from u-know-what. We discussed practically everything, and it reminded me, that yea, i actually missed our time, the time where we shared almost everything, the time when i was u-know-where. i did happily talked about mine too, about the shopping, the movies and also that certain person came back into life, and yea, about u-know-them. as we goes on talking, i realized why I had practically nothing to talk to them, and yet i had so much to talk to her, i felt i couldnt fit into their groups, couldnt say or do what i enjoyed, and be the comfortable me with them. But, i was when i'm with her, maybe its the attitude differences, maybe i just couldnt fit them. i had a great time discussing everything to her, until she says " yea, you are happier now". it makes me wondered why is this? but when i glanced through my past half years, me too, felt that i'm happier now.

2008-04-13T13:37:00.002+08:00

when u want it the most, there's no easy way out,
when u r ready to go, there's no heart left it out,
dun give up on ur faith, love will come and get u through,
thats the way it is...

familiar? haha, life? i have been browsing my own entry, and yes, someone said it right, "it felt so grey after reading your blog". well, been out yesterday, a fun day out, for a change, and adding colour to my life. i miss the fun outing, and we sure do have some fun rite? although i'm not feeling that well, but i had fun, laughing all the way, screaming out as all of us wanted, loosing our mind and do whatever we want, wherever we want without any consequences. thank u all!! i had a wonderful break, although its short, i seems to have a big one, gonna miss u all, wish me luck and best of all, i am happy again.

sick?

2008-04-09T19:59:00.002+08:00

me: "I'm not feeling well"
A: "why is it? what u had been doing?"

me: "I'm not feeling well"
B: "Why not feeling well? Been at home too much isit?"
me: ()*(&^^%$#@#$%^&*^%$#@$

me: "I'm not feeling well"
C: "why? fever?"
me: -_-"

me: "I'm not feeling well"
D: "stressed?"
me: haih..

me: "I'm not feeling well"
E: "seen doc? wanna me fetch? take more water, call me if anything"
me: AT LAST!!

I was wondering, why is it so? it took so many people to ask me how am i doing?yea, I dont act sick when I chat with peoples, also not in sms.. phone call maybe, coz my voice just show. After staying on bed for 2 days, eating biscuits and panadol consecutively, as if it was rice and vege. why? i just dont know, and i;m fed up to those that states they cared, states they like, states they are friend, do they?

sea saw...

2008-04-08T22:04:00.003+08:00

wondered why i post this image up? They said, life's like a sea saw, when someone is on the side rise high, the opposite person will slide down. and when, the person slide, the other rise. all i'm trying to say, life's fair, very fair, everyone will have their time to slide down, everyone will have the time to rise. the thing was, how long they fell? how long will they rise and maintain it high on the sky? we couldnt control when people pull us down when we are rising, but we sure knew how to rise when we slide...

pointless to blame others, the only blame is on ourselves..

2008-04-06T13:50:00.003+08:00

today when i woke up, i felt a sudden rush to sit up, forcing me to look up, to those gift, once gave by various people, gift from frens, the true fren, gift from someone that loved me, gift from someone cared, and also gift from those once are my fren, and now i should be their enemy. i just dont know why the heck i look so serious about it, but i felt a sudden pain inside my heart that forces me to stay whole day in my room, thinking back, flashing those memories i had with those. i missed them alot, but what shall i do? or shall i say, what had i done? i had the sudden urge to take up the phone and wanted to sms her, yet i had to admit, i had no gut at all. why is this? i just dont know why. i, too doesnt know why, tears started to drop, it felt a thousand knife had stabbed to my heart, and each stab, stabbed hard into it stating i'm useless, lousy fren. i felt i m back to the same ol' mayling, the useless, lousy, heartless and helpless ones. this time was different, no one was beside me, and no one will be beside me. who will expects me to fall twice? at the very same situation with different group? no one to be there to make me smile when i suffers, no one there to talk to me, no one there to loves me like i deserves it, no one there to lend a hand to pick me up when i fell, no one there to even ... care. it felt so difficult for me to accept it, and this was the first ever time, i blamed myself for everything happened, and i started to hate myself, i just dont know why.

i m HAPPY!!

2008-03-30T21:58:00.002+08:00

why am i this happy? the below photos tells why.....

2008-03-24T22:46:00.003+08:00

as i stared on the ceiling blankly after another scolding, tears rolled down from my eyes, mouth is speechless, hearts had so much to say. thinking back, what had i done wrong? i finally wake myself up, because those are imaginations, imaginations that i've won, and the world are mine. it finally strikes me, i've imagined too much, i;ve dreamt too much, i've gave hope too much.

maybe its a conflict of interest, that i and that have two different interest, pulled both of us away. Promise, that are promised could be broken easily, else there will be war.....

not only that, after been drifted apart for almost a year, i couldn't drag myself to trust someone again. it might be my fault or might be others, i just dont know. i have not found someone i could talk, or just be myself in front of them. i want to jus laugh out loud, being crazy and cool at the same time, someone to actually LISTEN to me when i needed to, not someone who talked back to me as if i'm a loser, what so great if they win and i lost? cant anyone just be fair to me? its obvious the fault is not on me, yet someone could just find a way to blame me, i just couldnt find someone where they wont blame me no matter what i done, no matter what i am, someone could just be by my side no matter what i do, no matter... no matter what.

Working Life..

2008-03-23T01:04:00.003+08:00

"Working life is like football, its either you are in Spanish League or English League"

Yea, you get me, both league are the same for those who are not interested in football, yet for those football fanatic, you should know why.

Spanish league is about a one-man-show, where you need to bring the ball across the field by the player itself and score the goal. Those that are properly skilled and lucky could score beautifully yet those that are skilled but unlucky, will be the victim of the press. In the whole spanish league, only those that are properly trained and those that are naturally born for football could maintained in this league, yet those that are so used to other league will always leave.

English league is all about passing the ball to one another, hoping the other to score and those scored is the one that grabs the attention. Those in this league that wanted to get famous only need some luck that scream "right time, right place", and the ball will naturally passed them. Some might feel unfair to the passer of the ball, because none of them are being appreciated yet the lucky one that scored, well, scored the crowd and press as well.

Just imagine, two different league, are bond as one in a department. One that are skilled and unlucky, yet another one who are lucky, and also there are those who passes the ball around. Normally those that are skilled and unlucky are the major disaster in a department. This are the person that will be the target of those people, major criticism, and normally will force the targeted ones to leave. These people that do not leave will just have to bear with it, until its time for those to leave.

I felt like a crap, wake up feeling crap, watch tv and I felt crap, works are craps, even my bed looks crap to me. I've been extremely angry of myself, not controlling myself to not break down, not controlling my feelings, not controlling my brain to stop thinking about them. I felt down, really down, going to work is a burden to me, no not a burden but a poison to me, because I'm so darn afraid to go there, I have to practically drag myself there with a huge smile on my face, greeting peoples "good morning!" hoping that their day will have a brand new start and me deep down hoping its the end of the day. I hate to be the fake people, I hate myself to be one. Why cant everyone just treat everyone's else nice? haven't they heard of World Peace?

Crap... no wonder Owen will never fit Real Madrid.......................

is it me?

2008-03-20T10:17:00.002+08:00

is my attitude wrong? is my behavior wrong? or am i jus a plain stupid that couldn't click with any girls? or i'm not a good colleague? a good friend? why is this?

i asked those questions to myself, asking deep down, why do i face those so many times.. its not once, not twice but few times. is it really my problem o am i plain unlucky? before pointing fingers to others, i felt, maybe its me? i might hate to admit it, yet i really dislike to pin out ppl's behavior, ppl's weakness. i had sleepless night, thinking back, what had i done wrong? why am i in this state of time? why the hell these happened to me? am i really wrong? do i really have problem? is it me? i tried to ask myself again and again, where had i done wrong? what makes everyone thinks of me like this? am i really that lousy? if those happenned once, i can say i'm unlucky, but this? i really dont think so. sometimes those makes me feel i'm so darn lousy person, makes me felt, i dont deserve any of those, makes me felt, USELESS....

i have let so many people down, and i felt like a rubbish! no one i could blame coz its all my fault... there are so many question that i asked myself, yet there arent any answer from myself but i asked myself more question am i really that useless? am i really a rubbish? am i really that hopeless?

who am i?

2008-03-15T02:08:00.003+08:00

Career, family, friends, colleagues, cars, who else the last? needles to say, he had made his point from the very beginning, he chose those coz those are more important, to him, now and ever. i thought i am OK with it, i thought i will be OK, yet i knew deep down, I AM NOT. who am i? what am i? what am i to anyone? who the hell i'm joking to? he is no longer here, looking back at those e-mails, sms-es, those stuff, i wish i could just turn back time. what had i done to have everyone treating me like a bullshit? do i deserves all these? do i really really deserves it? who am i? who am i to them? what am i? what am i to anyone?

i'm confused...

2008-03-10T23:10:00.002+08:00

ever been in a situation where u r so unsure of whats going on and yet its been going on and on? every felt, you are so sure of the impossibility yet time and time again its shows a bit of possibility? ever felt that you just want to stop everything yet the only thing u cant stop is urself? ever felt everything is grey yet when you saw a certain sth or people that makes ur surrounding colouful again? ever felt being sympathized and felt really cheap yet at the same time being happy? today, my dad saw me, and looked me into my eyes, he told me, there's no more glitter in ur eyes, no more sparks when i smiled and laugh although my laugther are so darn loud, no more heart in doing everything, also nothing seems right for me. why? everytime, every time, it leaves me puzzled, each time, after it, i was left alone, thinking of it over and over again, leaving me, happy, sad, tears , puzzled and most of all, confused................

Impossible...

2008-03-02T12:03:00.002+08:00

Here I am, another entry, I dont know why and I dont know how, every time I'm down, I'll think of writing down. Its sucks when I finally reaching there, and suddenly everything disappeared, all because of my own behavior, my own stupid-ness, my own foolishness, my darn bloody attitude that drove us apart. Although I knew he hate it, I would still do it because I couldnt help myself! In conclusion? I destroyed everything in a day... thanks to my immaturity, thanks to my stupid attitude, now I should just forget about it and move on with my life...

am i?

2008-02-25T21:32:00.002+08:00

" You are too emotional, you used your heart whatever you do"

be it relationship, friendship or career, i really gave what i had? my friend also said, no matter what problem i faced, be it in relationship, friendship or career, i have "the" face. its funny, no one would ever guessed I'm sad, or shall i say, no matter how i acted, he would just see through and saw my "the" face. why?

2008-02-23T11:35:00.003+08:00

today i woke up, i starred my room ceiling, and slowly, calmly waited, and my life flashes in my mind. am i trying too hard to get people's attention? or am i just desperate that everyone ignored me? i might sound a lil bit angry, i might sound a lil bit arrogant, yes i am, i'm a stupid lil arrogant brat that bugs peoples life. if its so, why would i carE?

I really felt myself weak, i jus dont know what should i do. everyone just mind their own business, but i just wanted to tell everyone, i'm not ok as what i acted outside, i'm just not ok.

Although I know if its back to the past, i would be happy yet, deep down i doubted, i doubt he will be the same, doubted he still loves me, doubted it will last. i knew i'm stupid to think about the past, although i knew it would never happen again, yet deep down i still hope, hope for the best, hoped for him to change his mind, why? simple, cuz everyone knew it when they r in love.

the first time today, hope it wont be the last?

2008-02-10T17:34:00.000+08:00

Today I finally understood the word everyone been talking about:

"When you fell in love, nothing you can do for/to him/her is, enough"

2008-02-03T12:45:00.000+08:00

People said, the higher the hope, the higher the disappointment. I truly understands it, making myself sure that never ever, have hopes in anything. However, deep down, I hopes for the unreal, impossibles that makes me just sit there, starring at the phone, hoping it will ring or at least an sms that I would keep and looked at it every single night. Ring, please ring.....................

the answer....

2008-01-24T21:06:00.000+08:00

I finally brave myself to ask, and I finally got myself an answer.... the answer I've longed to know, ever, ever since... gods know when, and gods know why.

I couldnt say i'm happy, i couldnt say i'm sad, but it had proven, that my choice were never wrong. It came out of a sudden, and I'm certainly not prepared for the answer, yet inside, I'm relief, although its unexpected, its still something i wanted to hear or shall i say read. I know there's quite a number of people knew what i'm talking about, there's others that just dont know what the *tut* i'm talking about. I might seem to handle this perfectly well, I might seems not been disturbed by it, I might seem i'm OK yet, deep down, I really dont know how to handle it. I dont know what should I think or what should I do, and I just dont know, what might happen in future. What I wanted, is never what I will get, yet this time, I might get what I want, but do I need it? Maybe time will tell...

My sincere appology to those that I've hurt, I'm really sorry for those that I done, those hopes I've given, those time that I gave, some might think I'm using them, but trust me, I'm not, and I will never be.

twice... no more thrice

2008-01-21T17:12:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since i;ve typed something here. Anyway, hows life everyone? I know most of u sent me an e-mail asking me how m i doing, bla bla bla.. most of you all are concerned about me, i can see that, and thanks alot... it really meant something to me...

Its been a while since i online, avoiding the fact to see certain someone and knowing certain some1 life. I've been avoiding and avoiding when that day, that certain someone did something that push me to face the reality. The reality that i refuse to face, even now. Life has been hectic, i really dont know am i really that busy? or am i making myself busy? i cant seems to help myself but to refuse to think further about certain some1 and just go on with my life.

I did what i've promised, i chose the best for my life, to focused on my career, to be the cheerful girl that everyone surround me seen, i may be laughing away and joke with everyone else, but nothing and no1 could ever tell, when i lay alone on my bed, every night, staring at the ceiling, and the stars above me, reminded me of that certain someone, i couldn't help, but only smile and close my eyes, letting the memories sway around my mind, figures of that certain someone flashes through my mind, me struggling to sleep well all night long.

I'm really happy to know that the certain some1 are not angry of me, after numerous of hatred sms, and stupid sms that i hated myself for sending it, that certain some1 is still the gentlement that i knew, the only one that could really understood who am i and what i'm thinking about. the person that knew me more than myself, the one that chose career ahead of me yet i did not even hate him but wish him well from the bottom of my heart. Althought the broken heart swells, yet deep down i sense a relief, because i knew that certain some1 is really happy, without commitment, free to fly.

I had the same feeling, when i let jeff away, a while ago. I remembered that time clearly, when i left him in the temple, seeing him crawling to his new crowd, and him swimming with his new friends. He fit perfectly well, with his same species, watching him crawl away, my heart broke to pieces, as i knew he wont be there with me anymore, he wont be there to listen when i need to talk, yet seeing him happily mixing around with his new friends, makes me felt relief, at least, he's free, and wont be alone anymore.

To be honest, I cant remember exactly which temple i;ve left him, i have no photos of him, even, when i went back to the temple, i couldnt even recognise him, yet the memories that remained is invaluable, just like that certain some1.

Twice, twice i'm forced to let go, I really couldnt take anymore! but what can I do? as everyone said "all good things has to come to an end", i really felt insecure, and am too afraid to let go again. The broken heart felt too painful to seal itself again, whats the point to gather back the broken heart when it will break again? Is everything really happens for a reason? I've asked myself so many times, what should i do?

Dont worry i'm strong, hey, who will expects may ling the cheerful to be like this? i was trained to be tough, to handle everything myself. yet sometimes, i really hoped someone could just guide me and protects me, after all, i'm just a girl.

2008-01-10T04:20:00.001+08:00

Print the Lyrics

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lye
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
and the clothes you left, that lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah...

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear, will always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you...........

stupid?

2007-12-08T14:51:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt yourself being foolish? I've been thinking about this myself since August 12th this year. The more I'm being foolish, the more I'm hurting myself, the more I'm hurting myself, the more I hate myself, Hated my life, hated everything that goes on with my life. But, what does mayling done? what did I done to make myself happy? Nothing, nothing but to just go on with life.

Every morning, I woke up, telling myself its a brand new day. Brand new day with a brand new hope, but, deep inside me, i still hoped for the old ones, old hopes, which means no hope at all.

Will you wait for me?

2007-11-11T19:27:00.000+08:00

Will You Wait For Me
I need to talk to you again
Why did you go away
All our time together
Just seems like yesterday
I'd never thought I'd see
A single day without you
The things we take for granted
We can sometimes lose...
And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again, will I see you again?

Cuz time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it throughIf you wait for me...
And all the tears I cry
No matter how I try
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me
In heaven...

Do you remember how it was?
When we never seemed to care
The days went by so quickly
Cuz I thought you always be there
And it's hard to let you go
Though I know that I must try
I feel like I've been cheated
Cuz we never said goodbye
And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again, will I see you again?

an jing...........

2007-11-11T19:17:00.000+08:00

zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo tan le yi tian

shui zhao de da ti qin

an jing de jiu jiu de

wo xiang ni yi biao xian de fei chang ming bai

wo dong wo ye zhi dao

ni mei you she bu de

Oh~~

ni shuo ni ye hui nan guo wo bu xiang xin

qian zhe ni pei zhe wo ye zhi shi ceng jin

xi wang ta shi zhen de bi wo hai yao ai ni

wo cai hui bi zi ji li kai

ni yao wo shuo duo nan kan

wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai

wei shen me hai yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo ?

wo mei you zhe zhong tian fen

bao rong ni ye jie shou ta

bu yong dan xin de tai duo

wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo

ni yi jing yuan yuan li kai

wo ye hui man man zou kai

wei shen me wo lian fen kai dou qian jiu zhe ni ?

wo zhen de mei you tian fen

an jing de mei zhe me kuai

wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni

shi yin wei wo tai ai ni ...

jay chou describe exactly what i felt... speechless....................................................

2007-09-02T10:53:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I blogged, some knew what happened, some couldn't expects it, and others just dun bother about it. I had an unexpected incidwent happened, and I'm still in the process of accepting it, yet it might be big for me, it seems like a nut for anyone else.

the story began 5 years back, when i was still a very young and er, not so innocent but a naughty freshies in a local U, venturing my own adventure alone to malacca. I was young, to be honest and free, free from parents at last! that was my first instinct when I first slept in EP with a bunch of girl that I've only met few hours ago. No, don't get me wrong, I do nto intend to talk about my uni life, but someone I've met there, that coloured my life till last month. I met this guy through my class, I remembered him staring at me during the first class I attended with my housemate. I did noticed that he notices me, yet he pretended to be the cool guy sitting behind the class. Soon, we became friends, through a guy and my housemates, all of us gathered to formed a group for an assignments. It was very slow back then, thinking about ICQ-ing everyday after class to after yamcha, to after library, I wasn't that hooked on it, to be honest, as for him to wait me online after our classes, yet I was there getting nap in the middle of afternoon. Back then, I had a bunch of friends, and a good friend that i treasured till now, I was problem-less at that time, or shall I say, i was very naive at that time yet happy.

After 2 semesters, I and him, develop something that I'm sure was the happiest thing happened to me at that time. Being away from my family, and also hometown friends, he was there for me, through hardness and toughness, that helps me survive my one year in malacca. It was lovely at that time, I remembered clearly my first time of holding hands, till that peck on my cheecks, I thought I was in a dreamland. For the first time in my life, I felt I was the happiest girl alive, having friends and someone that cared was all that I needed at that time. Nothing wrong with us, we discussed our dreams, hopes, and future and everything seemed to clicked, everything seemed to be perfect.

When we transferred to Cyberjaya, some of our nightmare appeared, bringing our realtionship to parents to friends around to our uni life. There was alot of ups and downs, going through alot, thinking that it wont last, yet now proven to be wrong. Sometimes I gave up, sometimes him, yet that time none of us are willing to give up our hopes and dreams. We had made through the 3 rough years, 3 years of nightmare in uni, yet we graduated together and found ourselves job together. We supported each other tthrough rough times, with friends, with family, with everyone around us, that we both were there for each other.

In work, I thought everything was over, I was happy at that time, I was fulfilled with everything I wanted. I thought, yes! I have made through the hard times, the good time finally came! I thought I was the happiest girl in this world once again. We was happy, or at least I was happy, that is why this blog doesn't contain much sadness lately. Yet, after 5 years of hardwork, everything went off. I did not see it coming but everything was off just like that. I still felt I was happy day before, yet everything changed overnight, that I myself was very surprised about it. I felt liek a fool to be that heppy yet the one that I've cared was suffering deep inside. I was shocked to know the news, and overnight, I've lost someone that cared and loved me leaving me alone, feeling empty. I was lost then, loosing directions as everything we done together for so long, going through our plans, now suddenly vanished just like that. It was the last thing on my mind that this happened, I did not see it coming, I did not expects it, I thought we were happy again. Going through the first few weeks was tough for me, tears wouldn;t dry, heart wouldn't give up a single hope, my brain would explode to think over and over again, what had I done to cause it. We had bigger fight before, we had larger arguements before, I couldnt find a reason for someone I had been through for so long to change just like that overnight. I still couldn't accept the truth till now, I still couldn't face anyone when they asked me what happenned, because to be honest, I myself did not see it coming, I myself did not knew the truth of that decision, because, it wasn;t my decision. He said, a hand wouldnt clapped, and I do agree, yet my hand will always be there ready to be clapped, waiting for the right time, for the other hand to reach. It was suffering to see him enjoying his life right after the break, knowing him enjoyed his life there yet I was here suffering, but now, I finally see it, knowing to see him happy was the most important thing right now. I finally realise the reason of people saying:

"It hurts to see someone you love with someone else, yet it hurts even more to see the one you loves with you, unhappy"

I knew, its time for me to let go, although I'm not willing to, but it will only be inside me that suffered, not causing anyone suffered along with me, I knew I had to move on with my life, even though it felt like life is meaningless. I wouldnt say its not difficult, yet I knew its worth it, sooner or later.

I'll be loving you forever

Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never

Even if you took my heart and tore it apart

I would love you still, forever

2007-08-14T22:20:00.000+08:00

its so hard to pretend ntg yet i had so much to say, its so hard for me to actually talk normally yet i missed him so much, its hard to just pretend.. i hate myself

him.....

2007-08-04T12:56:00.000+08:00

the moment i layed my eyes on him, i felt a sudden rush, that pulled me to stick with him, with the style that it gaves, attracted not only me, but also to those that willing to actually pay for it. Although, its been a rough 3+ years, him protecting me from being injured, to be there for me when i neeed someone, to not give me trouble when i'm sad enough, him being the one that gave me shelter when i dont feel like going home, him being the one that brings me somewhere when i don't wanna be elsewhere, he was there, to be with me, to bring me joy, and also a medium to bring everysingle happens, those joy, those happiness with friends, wouldn't happen because of him. He was the one, i thought i will spend the rest of my life with, and it hurts me, when bad luck strikes, and not only injured him but badly damaged. when i sawhis back, looking at his scar, i knew, no matter what i do, no matter how much i'm willing to pay, he'll never look the same, i knew it, everyone knew it. my life would never be the same again, my life wouldn't be that colourful when he is not there, the support that he gave, those help that he done for me to help anyone, it just tear my heart away to see him like that. he was much better than anyone else, treated me like no one ever treats me, no matter how i felt, you was there, and you'll always be the same, giving me comfort, and a place for me to hide from anyone else, to sit in you, and let my feeling go. i'm sorry for you to get the punishment for my bad luck, i'm so sorry to let you damage just like that, i'm sorry, and sorry isn't just enough, i'll pray, pray for a better tomorrow for both of us, no more irresponsible and reckless driver to hurt you again, although i knew you'll protect me from those peoples, yet i will never let you do that again, because it hurts me too much to send you in and out the workshop, its just too much pain for you. i will miss you, and i hope to see you a few more weeks later, hubby, just remember, no matter what you look like, you'll always be in my heart, now and forever.

Divorced

2007-07-29T21:32:00.000+08:00

Made through the process, no pain no gain, nothing much more to explain. sizing 3 x 2 x 1.5cm, I finally removed it out of my life, and never wanted to see it again, I hate you and please don't regrow back inside me, because the scar that remained, haunt me for as long as I lived. I never had an imperfection, being a perfectionist, I like to have everything I've got, to be the best, or at least be different from others in a better way, yet that 3 stiches on me, remained there, no matter what I do, it'll never be gone, and I felt myself buried into the grave and hoped that everyone else would just forget about me, and let me get through what I had to go through myself, and no one knows the flaws that I had. I hate it, seeing the unfamiliar body in front of mirror, not wanting to accept the truth, knowing I regretted to be so firm to get this divorce, and not knowing the aftermath. My life, would never be the same again, with the additional flaws, tested my confidence of myself, maybe, some will say, no one's gonna see it, yet for me its enough for anyone to know that I had this flaws and I'm ashamed of it. I should have known the aftermath, but it never crossed my mind before this, why? why must I be this silly again? why there aren't any people reminded me of this? why I must be the fool again? no one's gonna judge me the way they judged me before, and for me, it haunts me, now, tomorrow, for as long as I lived int his world. is anyone sensitive enough not to talk about it in front of me? i hate this life, and i hate myself even more...